Saturday, March 21, 2009

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

Here are two lists of words describing our feelings by Center for Nonviolent Communication.
Notice the length of the two lists.

Feelings when your needs are satisfied

AFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm

CONFIDENT

empowered
open
proud
safe
secure

ENGAGED
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated

INSPIRED
amazed
awed
wonder

EXCITED
amazed
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
vibrant

EXHILARATED
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
rapturous
thrilled

GRATEFUL
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched

HOPEFUL

expectant
encouraged
optimistic

JOYFUL
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled

PEACEFUL
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
equanimous
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting

REFRESHED
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored
revived

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried

ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked

ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful

AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed

CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn


DISCONNECTED

DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset

EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious

FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out


alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn
PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful

SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched

TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out

VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky

YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

Saturday, March 14, 2009

An introverted city girl

Nightsky of Hong Kong vs. The North Sea

Writing to a professor at Trinity got me thinking about what I am actually. Most people who have had two words with me would immediately classify me as a flaming extrovert, but all the personality tests that I have done over the years, would put me, undoubtedly, in the introvert category, well, that sounds pretty hypocritical, doesn't it?

The truth is, though I love everything about city life, e.g., convenient public transportation, museums, restaurants, shops, etc., I absolutely hate the crowd, the noise and everything else that come with living in a big city. I don't like partying and I haven't have urges to buy new clothes every so often. I do like to know that when I need to go to a museum, eat out at a restaurants and shop for towels, I have nice places to go. I like to have choices, though I don't necessarily utilize the power of making those choices very often. I miss living in Hong Kong, in D.C., and in Chicago, I miss what a metropolitan city has to offer, of having things to do and see when I want to do things and see things. I like to know exactly where I would go if I ever want to buy Elizabeth Arden Green Tea perfume. I like to be able to decide 10 minutes before dinner that I don't want to cook, and then walk down the street and eat out at an affordable restaurant with reasonably good food. I like to be able to go to a museum when I feel like being 'cultured'.

My favourite thing to do, in fact, is to stay home, dressed in my comfy clothes, and read. I could easily read for hours, it is so enjoyable to be lost in a book, just stopping to do the inevitable, "input" and "output". I was able to do have the reading life-style for a period of time before Dan decided to do this marathon studies, and before Kioni was born. This life-style, as unrealistic as it is, I intend to continue if I can.

I also like swimming laps, another "lost in time" experience. Swimming laps helps me think, the rhythm of my own breathing and water swooshing sounds are soothing. Long walks (2-3 hours) serves the same need, when I had MeMe dog, we took long walks everyday, but in later years of her life, she went blind, and the long walks stopped.

According to StrengthsFinder, I have the strength of intellection, which means, I need alone time, a lot of it, to think. That doesn't mean any earth-shattering idea would come out on the other end, I just need a lot of alone time to do my thinking. If I don't get it, I become irritable, depressed and feel absolutely stupid. And I haven't had a lot of alone time since Kioni was born, that means, I have been feeling stupid for the past 5 years.

All in all, if I have to decide if I want to live among the Scottish rolling hills with horse and sheep, or the concrete jungle in Hong Kong with smog and noise, I still would prefer Hong Kong, or D.C. for that matter. I can create my own oasis to hide in the concrete jungle, but it would take a lot to build a museum and a swimming pool in the Scottish rolling hills.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Family History 家族歷史


Eldest Aunt's wedding picture 大姑媽盧素德和大姑丈陳述文結婚照
My father is the first one on the left 我爸爸是左邊第一人


Secret meeting of my two aunts and their children
Standing from left to right (Cousin 陳祥開, Aunt Ming 二姑媽盧素明, cousin陳祥國)
Sitting (Eldest Aunt 大姑媽盧素德, cousin 何國偉 - son of Aunt Ming)

My cousin emailed me some old photos of my father's family. I always thought my eldest aunt died a horrible death during the Great Leap Forward, because my grandfather, her father, was a landlord and businessman, this immediately classified her as the "people's enemy".

Well, it turned out oral tradition was not quite accurate. While looking these old photos, my father recalled the circumstance surrounding my aunt and her family. My aunt married her husband before the Chinese Communist took over China. As seen in the photo, my uncle was in his military uniform. He was a military man, belonging to the First New Army (新一軍), which is under the Kuomintang 國民黨 (Republic of China) government, stationed in Sichuan 四川 province.

The cousin who sent me the pictures has send this new comment to my Facebook:
The First New Army was hailed as the "world's number one troop", because during World War II, the troop was stationed at the border of India and Burma, they not only stopped the Japanese from going further across the border, but also defeated the Japanese, saved the lives of 7,000 British troops. My uncle's oldest son 祥開 recalled even at places with signs that said "No Dogs or Chinese allowed", my uncle could go in without a problem. His superior, General Sun attended their wedding.

新一軍被稱為天下第一軍, 是因為在二次世界大戰時, 新一軍被派註印緬邊境, 截斷日軍的入侵, 打敗日軍, 救了7,000英軍, 所以號稱「天下第一軍」。祥開說「華人與狗不淮進入」的地方(有代考證), 他父親都可以進。他父親是孫立人將軍的部下, 他父母親結婚時, 他說孫立人將軍也有出席。”

While Chinese Communist took over China, my father's family moved to Hong Kong upon losing their land and houses in Guangzhou, but my aunt refused to go with the family. She stayed in China and did not leave with the family because she believed in the New China. She named her children 開 (beginning, new) and 國 (country), she loved her country, she deeply believed that the Communist China would bring a brand new start to China. My eldest aunt visited Hong Kong once, her family urged her not to go back, she finally decided against it.

My uncle, obviously, didn't go with the troop to Taiwan when the Republic of China lost their battle with the Communist Party, probably because of my aunt's trust in the New China. They remained in Sichuan. But after some time, they went back to Guangzhou, where my aunt was from. When my grandmother heard about her whereabouts, she forbid her sons and daughter (my second aunt) to have any contact with her, she basically disowned her because she viewed her oldest daughter as "heartless" and "cold". I suspect that it was because of my aunt's politically view that made my grandmother very upset about her, and in turn, my aunt decided to stay in China instead of going to Hong Kong to be with the family. But my second aunt, out of sisterly love, secretly went to Guangzhou to meet her sister, even hauling her baby along (the one seen in the picture that was on my eldest aunt's lap.) That's when they took this picture, a secret meeting between two sisters, disregarding their mother's will.

I always heard that she died a horrible death from starvation during Great Leap Forward, but it turns out, it was far from that. She lived through the Great Leap Forward, because the picture was taken on 1963, that's after the Great Leap Forward, and three years before the Culture Revolution officially started.

My uncle (her husband), suffered greatly during the Cultural Revolution because of him being an army guy under the Kuomintang government, and tragically, he suffered tremendous criticisms under the hands of his own wife! The"verbal struggle" (文鬥) often turned into "physical struggle" (武鬥). I cannot imagine how he got through those 10 years of struggles, but he did, he lived to his 80s, he went to live in Hong Kong for a while, and died in China. My aunt was sick in the middle of the Cultural Revolution and died of kidney failure.

Their two young boys (my cousins) in this picture are now in their late 50s to early 60s, made their way to Hong Kong by holding onto a basketball and swam the shark infested South China Sea all the way from China to Hong Kong. They are married and are living in Hong Kong. I remember my father commented when they first arrived in Hong Kong that it would be difficult for them to make a life for themselves because they had very little education. The older one ended up being a truck driver (I believe) and still come to every family gathering we have. The younger one is street smart, he made a lot of money during the real estate boom, he still owns factories and big businesses in Hong Kong and China. However, he didn't bother to link up with the family, we have not seen him for a very long time.

It is intriguing to put the puzzles together.

我為何愛花....

This is a translation of what I wrote in our Jan-Feb 2009 newsletter.

因為花不作假。我以它們被創造的樣子來欣賞它們:簡潔、美艷、燦爛悅目的顏色和形狀,能把最有才華的畫家的作品比下來。然而,它們不會為你妥協:奶白色的玫瑰絕對不會因為你喜歡粉紅色而變為粉紅色,除非你強把花剪下來放入粉紅色的水中。它們全心全力地盛放幾天或幾個星期,然後它們的工作就完成了。

自然界中有很多動物基於不同的原因會作假裝,主要原因是防護自己的生命,像變色龍或八爪魚那樣。相反地,人類假裝不單單是為了掩蓋真相,而且還故意造成別人的痛苦和傷害。為什麼呢?因為我們違背了上帝,犯了罪了、花郤沒有犯罪,花不能犯罪。花存在的目的是要彰顯神的榮耀,花不作假,只是靜靜地從土裏生長出來,展示令人眼花繚亂的美態。

這就是我喜歡花的原因。春天來了,是鮮花綻放的時節。我喜歡替花拍照,捕捉花的美姿,因為我每次通過鏡頭看見花的時候,它們提醒我耶穌所說的話:(馬太福音第六章)

「你們那一個能用思慮使壽數多加一刻呢?何必為衣裳憂慮呢?你想野地裡的百合花怎麼長起來;他也不勞苦,也不紡線。然而我告訴你們,就是所羅門極榮華的時候,他所穿戴的,還不如這花一朵呢!..... 所以,不要憂慮說:吃甚麼?喝甚麼?穿甚麼?..... 你們需用的這一切東西,你們的天父是知道的。你們要先求他的國和他的義,這些東西都要加給你們了。所以,不要為明天憂慮,因為明天自有明天的憂慮;一天的難處一天當就夠了。」

Monday, March 09, 2009

誰畫的?Who painted it?

有見過這麼美的小鳥嗎?牠的名字叫 Painted Bunting,是誰畫出這麼美豔的衣飾?
馬太福音6:26 「你們看那天上的飛鳥,也不種,也不收,也不積蓄在倉裡,你們的天父尚且養活他。你們不比飛鳥貴重得多麼?」
Have you ever seen a bird that beautiful? Wow! Its name is Painted Bunting. Who painted its stunning coat?
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26


http://birdsbybaranoff.com

Friday, March 06, 2009

How to be original

Even in literature and art,
no man who bothers about originality will ever be original:

whereas if you simply try to tell the truth
(without caring twopence how often it has been told before)
you will, nine times out of ten,
become original without ever having noticed it.


C.S. Lewis

Ah, that's why people are still reading his books.
.
.