請容許我寫錯白字

看一些內地維權人士的博客，有許多故意寫同音字、錯白字，以圖避過封殺：

凌⑧县长（零八憲章）
添安闷（天安門）
刘小B（劉曉波）
沒理花（茉莉花）
破害（迫害）

這是個怎樣的國度？要假、錯才能生存，連最對文字認真的文人知識份子，不得不寫錯字、別字、白字，才可以把真正想說的說出來。溫州高速火車追撞事件，拯救人員抗命在現場再作一次搜索，終於救出了兩歲半女童伊伊。抗命原不是好事，然而在這個不倫不類、事非癲倒的國度，唯有抗命才對得住自己的良心，唯有抗命才活得像個人。畸形的國家製造了畸形的意識形態，可憐復可悲。

據說中國女演員湯唯在其微博上這樣寫：

「一個強盛的國家，開放鎗枝都不會被顛覆；一個虛弱的政體，買把菜刀都需要實名；一個人性的國家，總統會逐一唸出遇難者的名字致以哀悼；一個冰冷的政府，遇難人數從來都是高度機密；一個自由的國家，記者可以將內閣大臣追問到滿頭大汗；一個禁錮的體制，官員則告訴記者『信不信由你，反正我是信了。』」

多部挖土機在溫州火車追撞現場挖土，並把車廂翻來翻去。傳聞說有關當局企圖把所有證據盡速埋於土裡。

I'll be back

In just a while, I'll be back blogging.  I don't even want to start telling you why I didn't blog in the past year or so.  If you know, you know, if you don't, don't bother.

The most 'convenient' reason is, I am in China, China is not exactly buddy buddy with Google, Blogger is blogged here, no blogging with Blogger.

Soon, I'll be back, this, I want to promise myself, but a bit afraid to.

攫住我心

很多人覺得要應付生活已經很煩，還管什麼政治？為何六四過了二十多年仍每年有成千上萬的人在維園舉行燭光晚會記念？太傻了吧！當年生的一代現在都已大學畢業了，投入社會工作，積極賺錢買樓，積極尋找另一半結婚生子。六四那一代過去了，成了中年男子，中年婦人了，還吵甚麼吵？政治不是我們普通人搞的，沒錢沒後台的人，休想在政治在有甚麼影響。歷史，就留待研究歷史的人去看，普通人就繼續做我們的普通事。

從小就不喜歡歷史，中學的歷史科一敗塗地。不關心歷史，因為覺得歷史是過去了的事，為何要關心？當下才重要，過去的，就讓它過去。梁壽華牧師改變了我對歷史的看法，第一次讀歷史考了個九十八分的，是在晚間神學課程中修的中國教會史，梁牧師的教學非常生動，不單把沉悶的歷史講得有趣，更叫我看見原來歷史不單是過去的事件，更反照現今世代，也許更隱隱地看見未來。

政治兩個字聽起來很冷，沒人性，從政的都是奸的。然而在華盛頓住了三年後發現政治根本就是生活的一部份。教會中認識的人中不乏在國會上班的「重要人物」，然而看見他們從政的動力，原來並非為一己的利益，而是為了回應對神的愛，想叫這個國家的制度更合理、公義。聽見一位在運輸部工作的女士討論如何帶領她的下屬，搜集資料來支持他們提出的一個有關小孩子坐車安全的全國性案，我深受感動，最後她說：「這個法案若通過，不知道可以保障多少小孩子的性命安全，這是我從政的原因。」

 政治和歷史原本都是事不關己，己不勞心的事，可是今天我認識到政治和歷史都是生命中不可或缺的部份，六四、教會歷史、政治與我息息相關，都攫住我心。

政治化了

中國政府說那是場暴民引發的動亂，人民說那是由學生啟動的民主愛國運動。誰對誰錯，看官心中有數。

事實是中國的坦克車輾過路障進入了天安門廣場，中國人民解放軍以真槍實彈射殺手無寸鐵的人民。事實是，人民死了，解放軍也死了。 事實是，自己人打死自己人。

那麼，為何人民不能記念這場國殤？所有死者的家屬，人民的、解放軍的家屬，都有需要、有權利悼念他們的死者。人民和解放軍的家屬要為其死者申冤，死去的不能說話了，可是，連在生的亦被禁止說話。

申冤是對公義的渴求，郤被禁止。 悼念死者是生者的心靈需要，郤被政治化。

人啊人！我們在做甚麼？

「行公義，好憐憫，存謙卑的心，與你的神同行。 」彌迦書六：8

Family History 家族歷史

Eldest Aunt's wedding picture　大姑媽盧素德和大姑丈陳述文結婚照
My father is the first one on the left 我爸爸是左邊第一人

Secret meeting of my two aunts and their children
Standing from left to right (Cousin 陳祥開, Aunt Ming 二姑媽盧素明, cousin陳祥國)

Sitting (Eldest Aunt 大姑媽盧素德, cousin 何國偉 - son of Aunt Ming)

My cousin emailed me some old photos of my father's family. I always thought my eldest aunt died a horrible death during the Great Leap Forward, because my grandfather, her father, was a landlord and businessman, this immediately classified her as the "people's enemy".

Well, it turned out oral tradition was not quite accurate. While looking these old photos, my father recalled the circumstance surrounding my aunt and her family. My aunt married her husband before the Chinese Communist took over China. As seen in the photo, my uncle was in his military uniform. He was a military man, belonging to the First New Army (新一軍), which is under the Kuomintang 國民黨 (Republic of China) government, stationed in Sichuan 四川 province.

The cousin who sent me the pictures has send this new comment to my Facebook:
The First New Army was hailed as the "world's number one troop", because during World War II, the troop was stationed at the border of India and Burma, they not only stopped the Japanese from going further across the border, but also defeated the Japanese, saved the lives of 7,000 British troops. My uncle's oldest son 祥開 recalled even at places with signs that said "No Dogs or Chinese allowed", my uncle could go in without a problem. His superior, General Sun attended their wedding.

新一軍被稱為天下第一軍, 是因為在二次世界大戰時, 新一軍被派註印緬邊境, 截斷日軍的入侵, 打敗日軍, 救了7,000英軍, 所以號稱「天下第一軍」。祥開說「華人與狗不淮進入」的地方（有代考證）,　他父親都可以進。他父親是孫立人將軍的部下, 他父母親結婚時, 他說孫立人將軍也有出席。”

While Chinese Communist took over China, my father's family moved to Hong Kong upon losing their land and houses in Guangzhou, but my aunt refused to go with the family. She stayed in China and did not leave with the family because she believed in the New China. She named her children 開 (beginning, new) and 國 (country), she loved her country, she deeply believed that the Communist China would bring a brand new start to China. My eldest aunt visited Hong Kong once, her family urged her not to go back, she finally decided against it.

My uncle, obviously, didn't go with the troop to Taiwan when the Republic of China lost their battle with the Communist Party, probably because of my aunt's trust in the New China. They remained in Sichuan. But after some time, they went back to Guangzhou, where my aunt was from. When my grandmother heard about her whereabouts, she forbid her sons and daughter (my second aunt) to have any contact with her, she basically disowned her because she viewed her oldest daughter as "heartless" and "cold". I suspect that it was because of my aunt's politically view that made my grandmother very upset about her, and in turn, my aunt decided to stay in China instead of going to Hong Kong to be with the family. But my second aunt, out of sisterly love, secretly went to Guangzhou to meet her sister, even hauling her baby along (the one seen in the picture that was on my eldest aunt's lap.) That's when they took this picture, a secret meeting between two sisters, disregarding their mother's will.

I always heard that she died a horrible death from starvation during Great Leap Forward, but it turns out, it was far from that. She lived through the Great Leap Forward, because the picture was taken on 1963, that's after the Great Leap Forward, and three years before the Culture Revolution officially started.

My uncle (her husband), suffered greatly during the Cultural Revolution because of him being an army guy under the Kuomintang government, and tragically, he suffered tremendous criticisms under the hands of his own wife! The"verbal struggle" (文鬥) often turned into "physical struggle" (武鬥). I cannot imagine how he got through those 10 years of struggles, but he did, he lived to his 80s, he went to live in Hong Kong for a while, and died in China. My aunt was sick in the middle of the Cultural Revolution and died of kidney failure.

Their two young boys (my cousins) in this picture are now in their late 50s to early 60s, made their way to Hong Kong by holding onto a basketball and swam the shark infested South China Sea all the way from China to Hong Kong. They are married and are living in Hong Kong. I remember my father commented when they first arrived in Hong Kong that it would be difficult for them to make a life for themselves because they had very little education. The older one ended up being a truck driver (I believe) and still come to every family gathering we have. The younger one is street smart, he made a lot of money during the real estate boom, he still owns factories and big businesses in Hong Kong and China. However, he didn't bother to link up with the family, we have not seen him for a very long time.

It is intriguing to put the puzzles together.

What is China going to show the world?

China is about to prove to the world how strong and advanced they are in just a few months through hosting the Olympics. However, the Sichuan earthquake has thrown the whole country into tremendous overdrive in dealing with this super disaster. It also shows the world that though China might be advanced enough to host an international event, when it comes to rural China, things are still pretty basic.

Photos I see from Hong Kong showed the 4-5 story high schools that collapsed in the earthquake were constructed with steel bars as thin as my thumb. The official who cried out for serious investigation of why such constructions were allowed, many suspect, was the one who received bribes and allowed those schools to be built in such a manner. Numerous school children were crushed by the fallen concrete, numerous are their parents' only child.

Sichuan is not the only place that such gross corruption takes place, there are many buildings built like "tofu", one shake and they will crumble. In fact, I suspect that they buildings that Dan is teaching and staying in right now (in southern China) could be one of those. While new and impressive constructions are sprouting up in new China, most people live in poorly built ones.

Some said there were all sorts of signs showing that the earthquake was imminent, could something be done? Could some villagers be warned, could the people practiced some earthquake drills?

With just 78 days to go before the Olympics, how is the world going to view China through the lens of this earthquake? What is China going to show the world?

On May 6, 2008, www.163.com reported that on April 26, 2008, around 7:00 in the morning, a pond in Hubei (a province to the east of Sichuan) with 80,000 cubic meters of water, suddenly showed swirls, villagers could hear loud rumbling sound. In less than 5 short hours, all of the 80,000 cubic meter water was gone, showing the black mud at the bottom of the pond, strangely, only a couple of big fish were found. Could this happen because there were movements in the ground, causing cracks at the bottom of the pond?

Last night in Cebu

Going back to read the first blog entry that I wrote 19 months ago when we first arrived in Cebu, it seems like not much that I felt then has changed. It is just as hot and humid, the poverty still is on display every corner we turn. The music is still loud, the traffic is still like a big confusing net.
However, something happened inside us. We are not the same person anymore. We have understood the Filipino culture much deeper than just the heat, the poverty and the loud music, and in turn, the Lord has taught us how, though all these, to understand ourselves.

Tomorrow we are flying to Hong Kong, we will stay there for two months. Dan will fly to China in two different periods of time to teach.

I have already started to miss Cebu, not for the heat and the poverty, but I miss the people I know here. I miss Maris, our faithful and loyal helper, who has saw us through thick and thin while we were dealing with cultural difficulties. I feel sorry for Kioni that she is feels sad for the first time because of having to have to say goodbye to people she knows. She does not remember America, all her memory is in Cebu.

I just hope that I won't cry too much at the airport. Maris and her best friend, Dolor will come and see us off. Saying goodbye is so hard, but we have to do is all the time. Wish that Jesus will come back soon, so there won't be anymore goodbyes.

Typhoon #3 signal is hoisted in Hong Kong, there are strong winds and rain in Hong Kong. I hope the plane will not delay, sleeping in Cebu airport with 5 large suitcases and 6 carry-on bags with a 4 year old in tow is not exactly an adventure.

18 years

It's been 18 years, how much have changed in this 18 years. However, the heartaches have not changed.

It's been 18 years since I suddenly realize that I AM a Chinese. It was pounded into my head and my heart by the tanks that rolled into the streets of Beijing, by the students' songs when they were camping out in Tienanmen Square, by the bloody photos that was broadcasted all over TV.

That was an important day, not only because of what had happened in Beijing, but it ushered the politically numb Hong Kong people into realizing politics is not only for a handful of people, but for anyone who is concerned about what kind of society you will live in. Hong Kong was only 7 years away from turning back over to China in 1989.

I have not been able to participate in any of the gatherings since I left Hong Kong in 1996, however, every year on June 4th, my heart was as heavy as I watched the events of that fateful night unfold. I still remember the sense of disbelieve and the tears that streamed down my face. I remember sitting in front of the TV saying, "This is not possible, this is not possible....." over and over, struggling to figure out what exactly was happening in front of my eyes.

For all those who gave their lives that day, I ache for their parents whom were not allowed to remember their sons and daughters at the place where they died. I ache for those who have been in prison for the past 18 years. I ache for the government that seemingly is becoming one of the world's super powers, yet, too weak to stand up in front of the world and admit they made a mistake.

Another year has passed, what will happen next year?

Past, Present, Future

Since I have started auditing the Chinese Church History course this Spring semester, every Monday when I left the two and a half hour class, I left with a heavy heart, I would find myself arriving home without knowing how I got there, which is quite scary. Not that Dr. Cook did not do a good job explaining the subject, quite to the contrary, he is doing such a good job that the history comes alive, everything suddenly means so much to me, and THAT is what is weighing on me. The past 200 years of Chinese history was nothing but a vast display of chaos and hopelessness. I can't help but ask where is China going in the future with this much baggage on her back?
I came to partial realization of my identity as a Chinese on June 4th, 1989, when the tanks rolled into Tienanmen Square, I found myself weeping uncontrollably in front of the TV. I remember my mom looking at me with a strange expression on her face, then she said, "It's OK, the tanks are not in Hong Kong." I was there for every single protest rally and memorial service, until I got married and left Hong Kong in 1996. (There were rumors that some secret service people video-recorded those rallies to see who were in there, so I am not worried that this exposure will cause my name to be listed on a certain blacklist, because if they indeed did that, they already know who I am. If this rumor is just a rumor, then, oh well, as Forrest Gump said, "stupid is as stupid does.")
Growing up in Hong Kong, I never felt oppressed as someone living in a colony. The British has brought countless good things into Hong Kong, an excellent law system, sound civil education, laissez faire policy, and using English as the official language has no doubt helped Hong Kong advanced to the status of a major international city. One thing that was never stressed in the classroom though, and understandably so, was that we were Chinese. We were taught that we were 'citizens of Hong Kong'. This made perfect sense since those of us who were born in Hong Kong held British passports with a big old UK seal right in the middle. Inside, where it said 'Nationality', it was printed 'British'.
At the time when I was born, China had just gone through the Great Leap Forward, where millions and millions of people died of starvation. There was virtually no news coming out from China, except 'rumors' of people dying. Not only did we not know what was going on in China, it did not seem like we cared, even though one of my father's older sisters, whom refused to flee to Hong Kong in 1949, was still in China. It was not until at least 10 years after her death that we learned that she was sent to a labour camp in Xinjiang. With her being the daughter of a wealthy landlord, I will not be surprised if she was put into the catagory of 'extreme rightist', which guaranteed her life and the lives that were connected to her (her husband's and two sons') extraordinary difficult, however, starvation took her life first. I need to find out more about her life from her two sons, whom eventually fled China by swimming to Hong Kong for days in the South China Sea, fighting off sharks. They are now in their 50s, living comfortably in Hong Kong.
My father often told us that the communists took EVERYTHING away from them. My paternal grandfather was a landlord and a businessman, he was an extremely wealthy man with seven wives, the seventh one being my grandmother. He owned blocks and blocks of prime real estates in Guangzhou, my father still remembers the huge house they lived in. My maternal grandfather was a chic entrepreneur, he owned a construction company in Shanghai, extravagant business luncheons and parties were everyday events for him. (Later while in Hong Kong, he disapproved of my father pursuing my mother, saying, "The tip I give to waiters in a meal is more than what that guy (my father) made in a month!" My mother verifies that it was true. My father at that time worked in my grandfather's construction company. Don't you think it should have prompted my grandfather to consider paying his employees better?
When the communists took over in 1949, both grandfathers lost all that they had. My paternal grandmother fled to Hong Kong on foot with seven kids in tow and with practically no money. At that time, my paternal grandfather had already past away. My father remembers the hardships they had to endure when they struggled just to stay alive after arriving in Hong Kong. My maternal grandfather was able to go to Hong Kong with some money and opened up a construction company again in a much smaller scale. My mother was born in Hong Kong into this relatively well to do family. So she has less things to say about the communist. However, she did go to a Kuomintang school, so she got some 'education' as to who the communists were also.
When China finally opened up, my father was the first one in his family to go visit. The reason being most of my uncles were in the Royal Police Force, and my oldest uncle was actually in the political section of the police force, namely, they kept the communists' activities in check! They were afraid to go back, I guess the memories of the how everything was seized from them was still fresh in their minds. My parents, my younger brother and I boarded a big ship in Hong Kong, overnight we arrived in a port in Guangzhou, that was August of 1980. In the warm summer morning mist, we stood on the deck overlooking China, it was the first time (except my father) that we saw China. The first words my father said were, "This place has not changed in 30 years!" As I look at the land, I was thinking, 'This is my root. But how can it be? How can it look so different from Hong Kong!"
Did not think too much about that trip after we went back to Hong Kong, I only remembered how inexpensive everything was, how dull their clothing colours were, and how lack of smile everyone was. Though there were 'Friendship Stores' everywhere, people who worked there were hardly 'friendly'. I was not interested in knowing my 'roots', not interested in learning about China at that time. Afterall, my life in Hong Kong was great, there was no need to go back to my roots and explore them. We have a new life in Hong Kong, we are a new generation. I did not consider China as my mother-land until that earth-shaking event in 1989. It was impressed upon my heart from the images on TV that those people in Tienanmen Square and I are both Chinese.
The Chinese Church History class has moved into the time period when my grandparents were adults living in China, and my father was already born. I wonder what they were thinking in this chaotic period of time. Did they see that their lives were going to be changed so drastically? Did they even think for one moment that what they had built up will be yanked right out from their hands soon?
Attending this class has given me an unsettling desire to dig out as much as I can from my father, what happened when he was a teenager in China, what did he experienced, what does it mean for him to live under the communist's rule now in Hong Kong. I wanted to find out from my mother what did her father say about his life as an entrepreneur in Shanghai, what were the definitive events that made him decide that he had to leave Shanghai and everything that he had built up with his own hands. How has all these affect the way my parents live their lives? How does that affect us, their children? And how are we, my sister, my brother and I, are going to teach our children about our family, and about China. I want to be able to understand the past, so I can look into the future.
The future has become a bit complicated though now that I am not a 'British' anymore, rather an 'American'. It's ironical, isn't it? I am never officially a 'Chinese'. Though I know full well my identity in Christ, I have never come to full grasp of my identity on earth.
I never liked history, never understood it, never treasured it. Now I can see why people study history, and why people like Dr. Cook are crazy about it. We study history because the past is the present, and the future too.
P.S. My dear blog readers who are from Mainland China, it is a privilege to know you, I have learned from you how China has evolved all these years, and what China is like at the present time. This is a lesson that I will never learn from my family since they are not there to witness all the tremendous changes. The purpose of this post is not to criticize China, rather, recording the point of view that my parents have presented to me towards the life under the early communist rule in China.

Afterthought of a lecture

I am auditing a Chinese Church History class at TEDS, taught by Dr. Richard Cook. The class took a field trip to Marquette University for this year's Casper Lecture. Speaker Dr. Jonathan Spence gave an informative and inspiring lecture on "Thinking it Through: Chinese and Catholics in the Seventeenth Century".
The purpose of my writing is not about what I have learn from Spence, (though I do have something to say about the lecture, well, I always have something to say about anything), rather, what I have learned about myself after the lecture.
Last night's lecture was the first time in two years and two months that I was out by myself, without Kioni and Dan, doing something that I enjoyed.
After the lecture, several of us rode back to Trinity in a van, during the course of conversation, systematic theology came up, we explained to an auditing student, Rebecca, (a lady from the community), what systematic theology was and other issues about studying theology. We also talked about our experiences with Mainland Chinese scholars and our time spent in China, etc. We had a wonderful time.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the non-theology related conversations we had with the ladies at work. What I have forgotten was that I can still think academically and talk theology even though I graduated from seminary 10 years ago and haven't been "in the loop" all these years.
This field trip was more than just a lecture to me, in fact, going back to the classroom this semester unearthed the desire to learn, a desire so strong that led me to go to seminary in the first place. I have, unknowingly and gradually, let this desire sank to the bottom of my heart, buried it deep all these years, thinking I have other more important duties to fulfill, namely, to put Dan through school and to be a mother to Kioni.
Dr. Cook's passion for Chinese Church History, classroom interactions with fellow students and the readings all help me discover something inside that I have long forgotten.
I thank Dr. Cook for offering this class, it attracted my attention, so much so that I actually took time off of work to audit ( I have to thank my boss for letting me take the time off!) I am also glad that Dr. Cook arranged for us to go to this lecture, which leads me to rediscover the part of my 'brain' that I have forgotten exists.
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