Reality or Fantasy

 A response to an article a friend shared: "Beware Romantic Pornography"

That's a pretty good article, I am glad she pointed out what most people don't see.  I particularly like one line towards the end, "In other words boys and men may need to be civilized, but never feminized."  I hate (yes, I am using the word 'hate,") women whom make their boyfriends carry their little shinny pink handbags, that is completely feminizing the men, are their own tiny handbags too heavy to carry?  Even more disgusting is the fact that those men willingly, or unwillingly, carry the bags!!!  A grown man walking in the mall, getting on and off buses with a handbag in one arm and his girlfriend in another!   Mind-boggling!

Hong Kong guys are quite civilized, maybe because of the 100+ years of British rule, they know how to treat a lady, well, at least the guys I know, can't say if it is true for the newer generations.

I also find it extremely important when watching romantic movies to see what those movies really are, they are not documentaries, it is supposed to show the "impossible,"  that's why they are fun, because it's impossible, just like Superman.  Women and young ladies who watch these movies have to understand what they are watching, i.e., grow a critical brain.  Romantic comedies are supposed to take you out of reality for an hour or so, let you dream the impossible, and then you have to come back into  the real world.  Problems come when women confuse fantasy with reality and start building up an image of men in fantasy-land, just as problems come when you can't tell if Superman is real or fantasy, so you wear a red underwear, put on a red cape and fly out the 32nd floor window.


Using literature to explain, you will be in deep doo-doo if you read poetry like history and apocalyptic works (e.g., the book of Revelation) like fantasy.  Genre is such an important element when understanding and enjoying literature or movies.

The reason I love Korean drama, is that men are civilized, not feminized, it shows men, to a certain extend, how a civilized man should think or act, respecting, protecting the woman, and very often, withholding his feelings for the good of the woman, sacrificing himself for the woman.  However, I do not like their physical roughness towards women, dragging them by the wrists, yelling, but probably that's what Korean culture is like.

I love what the author of the article said to her girls, I am teaching Kioni the same thing, "One day look to marry a Christian man of faithful and strong character; whom they will respect and whose distinctly male characteristics they will appreciate; that I hope they will have a group of close women friends, and that they will never get them and their husbands confused."

However, I cringe at how she used the word 'pornography,' maybe she made up the term 'romantic pornography' just to draw attention?  If "twisting the perception for women about real men and how they 'ought' to behave toward women" amounts to pornography, then there are too many kinds of pornography in this world, and the largest group of pornographers are pastors, since so many "twisted the perception for the congregation about the real God and how he "ought" to behave towards his people."  I wish the author would have chosen another word for "pornography."

忘記了嗎？

天色陰暗，細雨紛飛，然而，飛鳥無懼於風雨，有的高飛，有的在樹枝間跳躍。飛鳥無懼，因為牠們知道神在看顧，我恐懼，是我忘記了嗎？

Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

馬太福音 6:26
你 們 看 那 天 上 的 飛 鳥 ， 也 不 種 ， 也 不 收 ， 也 不 積 蓄 在 倉 裡 ， 你 們 的 天 父 尚 且 養 活 他 。 你 們 不 比 飛 鳥 貴 重 得 多 麼 ？

甚麼時候？

甚麼時候我變了四十六歲了？跟爸爸媽媽，妹妹弟弟在西貢沙灘游泳，不就在昨天嗎？
甚麼時候妹妹跟妹夫結婚二十年了？我不才跟她一起去試穿婚紗？
甚麼時候大姨甥長大成人，快要唸大學了？我剛剛才去接新生的他和他媽媽離開醫院回家呢！
甚麼時候女兒自己一口一口吃飯？自己坐在琴前作起曲來了？昨天我還拿著奶瓶餵她。
回頭一看，原來半生已過，原來不知不覺中，我把自己的生命注入在這裡那裡，造成歷史了。
我在這歷史中的位置是甚麼？
地上的生命不知道還有多久，我盼望的，是將來永存永在的生命，因為那時我不會再問「甚麼時候？」

中年危機？

今天早上趕著出門口，竟然忘記了喝沖好了的鴛鴦！結果是整天都陷於頭痛和情緒很差的狀態中。到了晚上回家吃過晚飯才好一點，不過仍然很累。

這一陣子身心俱疲，晚上經常半夜醒來，左思右想很多事情，也許是中年危機的其中一個問題之一？說來可笑，媽媽在經歷中年危機，女兒的第一顆乳齒才開始搖著，快要掉了。也許我一切都做得太遲了。三十歲才進神學院，三十三歲才結婚，四十歲才當媽媽。還有兩個星期就四十六了，還在等老公在寫論文的第一章。到了四十八，四十九，還有一大堆學校貸款要還。別人年近五十，就開始想退休金，投資這等事，可是這些事對我來說，是遙遙無期的。可能好像「秋天的童話」裡面的船頭尺說的：「到死嗰日，用哂d錢，一毫子都冇剩，啱啱好。」

Life

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

1. Life isn't fair, but it 's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23... Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter? '
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Placido Domingo, John Denver - Perhaps Love

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm.

It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm.
And in those times of trouble, when you are most alone.
The memory of love will bring you home.

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door.
It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more.
And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do.
The memory of love will see you through.

Oh love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel.
For some a way of living, for some a way to feel.
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go.
And some say love is everything, some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain.
Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true.
My memories of love will be of you.

And some say love is holding on and some say letting go.
And some say love is everything, some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain ("change" in another version).
Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true.
My memories of love will be of you.

Good and Evil

Do you see 'Good' or 'Evil'?
It is difficult sometimes to tell good from evil, isn't it?
Evil has a way of disguising itself as good.

Paid

The crime show last night was about the Green River Killer - Gary Ridgway, one of the most notorious serial killers in the United States. In November of 2003 he pleaded guilty to 48 counts of aggravated murder, although he says he actually killed 90 women or more, almost all prostitutes. He started the killings in early 1980s, and for almost twenty years, he was able to evade the police. He has an IQ of 82, however, he was doing all the 'right things' to not to get caught. In exchange for not receiving the death penalty, he pleaded guilty to all those accounts of murders and disclose the location of some of the women he has buried.

At his sentencing, many family members were allowed to make statements in court to the killer of their beloved family members. One by one, they walked up to the stand and looked him in the eye with utter hatred and despise, cursing him with the worst possible words and thoughts.

"You belong in hell, and you will never come out of it."
"I hope you have a long, horrible, painful death, just like what you did to my sister."

Gary Ridgway sat there, listening to all of them with a stone cold face, not one ounce of remorse, not one of his face muscles moved.

Until the father of a young girl who was murdered stepped on the stand.

"There are many people who hate you in this room, but I am not one of them. Although you have made it very hard to live up to what I believe. My belief in God asks that I forgive you, and I do. I forgive you for killing my daughter. You are forgiven."

Before the father even finished, Gary Ridgway's mouth turned down, then he buried his face in his hands and started sobbing in the crowded courtroom.

This is the most dramatic scene I have seen on how powerful forgiveness is.

The lamb's blood covering us, and we are forgiven. What that father did was only possible because he knew he was forgiven himself, his own sin was paid in full when Jesus died on the cross.

Isn't this what the Chinese word 義 is all about? 羊 (lamb) over 我 (me), and it is 義 (justified).

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

Here are two lists of words describing our feelings by Center for Nonviolent Communication.
Notice the length of the two lists.

Feelings when your needs are satisfied

AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated INSPIRED amazed awed wonder

EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic

JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn

DISCONNECTED DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn

PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful

An introverted city girl

Nightsky of Hong Kong vs. The North Sea

Writing to a professor at Trinity got me thinking about what I am actually. Most people who have had two words with me would immediately classify me as a flaming extrovert, but all the personality tests that I have done over the years, would put me, undoubtedly, in the introvert category, well, that sounds pretty hypocritical, doesn't it?

The truth is, though I love everything about city life, e.g., convenient public transportation, museums, restaurants, shops, etc., I absolutely hate the crowd, the noise and everything else that come with living in a big city. I don't like partying and I haven't have urges to buy new clothes every so often. I do like to know that when I need to go to a museum, eat out at a restaurants and shop for towels, I have nice places to go. I like to have choices, though I don't necessarily utilize the power of making those choices very often. I miss living in Hong Kong, in D.C., and in Chicago, I miss what a metropolitan city has to offer, of having things to do and see when I want to do things and see things. I like to know exactly where I would go if I ever want to buy Elizabeth Arden Green Tea perfume. I like to be able to decide 10 minutes before dinner that I don't want to cook, and then walk down the street and eat out at an affordable restaurant with reasonably good food. I like to be able to go to a museum when I feel like being 'cultured'.

My favourite thing to do, in fact, is to stay home, dressed in my comfy clothes, and read. I could easily read for hours, it is so enjoyable to be lost in a book, just stopping to do the inevitable, "input" and "output". I was able to do have the reading life-style for a period of time before Dan decided to do this marathon studies, and before Kioni was born. This life-style, as unrealistic as it is, I intend to continue if I can.

I also like swimming laps, another "lost in time" experience. Swimming laps helps me think, the rhythm of my own breathing and water swooshing sounds are soothing. Long walks (2-3 hours) serves the same need, when I had MeMe dog, we took long walks everyday, but in later years of her life, she went blind, and the long walks stopped.

According to StrengthsFinder, I have the strength of intellection, which means, I need alone time, a lot of it, to think. That doesn't mean any earth-shattering idea would come out on the other end, I just need a lot of alone time to do my thinking. If I don't get it, I become irritable, depressed and feel absolutely stupid. And I haven't had a lot of alone time since Kioni was born, that means, I have been feeling stupid for the past 5 years.

All in all, if I have to decide if I want to live among the Scottish rolling hills with horse and sheep, or the concrete jungle in Hong Kong with smog and noise, I still would prefer Hong Kong, or D.C. for that matter. I can create my own oasis to hide in the concrete jungle, but it would take a lot to build a museum and a swimming pool in the Scottish rolling hills.

When you are desperate...

You have heard of what crazy things people do when they are desperate, like rob the bank, kill their wives for insurance money, or drink your own urine when you are totally out of water while you are lost at sea. For me, I decided I am going to cut my own hair.

Well, today started out as a very different day. When I woke up at 7:30, looking into the mirror when I washed my face, I could stand my hair anymore.  I need a haircut!

With no proper hair-cutting tools, I took Kioni's craft scissors, a mirror and the extra shower curtain out to the backyard.  It was cold, my fingers don't work very well, but I was determined to conquer the mess.

Four hours later, it's done!  I am happy with it, and will definitely do it again.  I saved myself some money, and most important of all, I got the satisfaction of creating something on my head, that was a great feeling.

Letting Go

Picture from www.janicemarinerward.com

Kioni is playing outside with her two neighbour friends. Dan wrote a google chat to me saying that it is difficult to see our only child playing out there, all by herself, not needing our help or constant care at all. There comes a time when parents realize that their children are not little anymore, it is time to let go, but each step is hard, because that represents independancy, something that the parents are so used to the day the child was born. Different stages of the child's life will require different kinds of letting go, right now for us, it is just letting her playing outside without checking on her every 5 minutes.

Gadget

We received this today from a Freecycler, made a bit of popcorn and they tasted just as they should, minus the butter and salt, clean up is just an easy wipe. Though I like grease and salt, this is good for Kioni because she tends to eat too much popcorn whenever she gets her hand on them.
This gadget is real easy, just pour some popcorn kernel in there, turn it on, and they came flying out of the chute after hot air pops the popcorn.
They have a gadget for anything you do in the kitchen. Some of them are plain waste of money, but this one is agreeable to use, because it is MUCH better than popping popcorn in a pot with oil and mess.

Prepared

"We forgot half of things they teach us at school (high school), but we remember every episode the bullies did to us." - from Criminal Minds

Bullies exist everywhere, they can be 5 years old or 50 years old, they are just really pitiful people who needs attention but not getting it anywhere. We need to know how to deal with them, and we need to handle them with care. I am glad that I am homeschooling Kioni, at least, I can teach her a few more years about life and the evilness in life before she has to face it herself. No mother can protect their children from facing the inevitable, but I can help her better prepared for it.

Inspiration from a diamond rose

I often wonder how it would be like for people who can basically walk into a store and buy ANYTHING they want, price is not a issue, because there will always be money at their disposal. I finally have a taste of that when playing with Growing Gift in Facebook.

You can send Growing Gifts to friends, and it is particularly attractive to someone like me, who cannot resist plants and flowers. The trick is, you only have so many seeds to 'buy' the flowers, they all have a 'price'. The more special it is, the more seeds it requires.

Now, the one 'plant' that costs the most seeds, is a rose that is made of diamond. It costs 1000 seeds. Which is hard to obtain, and even if you get that many seeds, you have to weight if you want to spend it all on one plant, or if you would rather use it on other plants.

I surprisingly, found a way to obtain as many seeds as I want, legally (I am not breaking any Facebook rules, nor am I hacking in anything. (Well, not like I can hack into anything even if I want to.) I just found a way. Which in just one night by working hard on it, I obtained over a thousand seeds, and in the process of doing that, I also benefited my friends. After a while, I gradually accumulated several thousand seeds.

The big question comes: Do I want to spend a thousand seeds on the diamond rose? Does it even worth it?
Suddenly, I understand why rich people might not necessarily be happy with all they have.
They are not happy because the diamond rose that costs 1000 seeds are not that special anymore. Yes, I worked hard in obtaining it, but now, it is in my pocket, what's next? They don't have anything that costs more than 1000 seeds.

I suddenly understand why Michael Phelps smokes marijuana and drink excessively. After you reach the top, where are you going to go next?
.

How many weeks?

676 weeks. That's how many weekends we have with Kioni before she turns 18 and heads off to college. Well, in fact, less than that, I have to minus the weekends when she will be out with her friends, going to camps, etc. So what are we going to do with the 676 weekends? I would like to have lots of memory-making activities. Just like what my parents did with us, beaches, hiking, dinner at grandma's, playing with cousins, special restaurant treats. Wrecking my brain how to do so in the rainy Aberdeen weather, limited budget and absence of families.

Gloomy

Aberdeen winter is gloomy. The above picture was taken at 9:20am on December 30, 2008. That was not a rainy day even, at noon, the sky was actually bright! So you can imagine when it is a rainy day, the whole day will be like the picture above, and worse, because it will be raining. This certainly does not help when you are mourning the loss of a friend, (see the entry below).

We cannot hang laundry outside, the laundry will just stay wet and cold after hanging out for a whole day. We don't use the dryer, though there is one in the garage because cost of electricity is high. So we use the radiators that we have turned on in the house. Don't worry, these are the kinds that have hot water running through them to heat the house, no worries of fire. So on laundry day, we will have clothes all over, back of chairs, over shelves, on the arms of the sofas, anywhere that would provide hanging ability. The real challenge comes when I have to wash bedsheets, ah..... The bed we sleep in is queen size, there really is not much room anywhere in the house that would allow us to hang a queen size sheet. So I fold the sheets up then hang them, they take a whole lot longer to dry, but they do eventually. God made us to be creative.

I always have things to complain about, don't I? It was the heat in Cebu, now it is the gloominess.
Honestly, I would much rather be cold then hot. I can wear 5 layers here in Aberdeen, but I couldn't take off my skin even if I wanted to in Cebu!

Back home

Many of us said goodbye to our friend from seminary today, the first day of 2009. He has gone into glory with the Lord whom he had served faithfully. The aggressive leukemia has turned his body into ruins, within just a few days of being hospitalized, he is gone.

No words can describe the shock a lot of us experienced. Though we know he is now in heaven and would not want to come back, I grieve for his wife (she was his classmate in seminary), and his children who are now without a father. I grieve because death is an ugly thing, it is not suppose to be there. We are made to live on, that was the intention when God created Adam and Eve.

In a mysterious way, God has decided that our friend's struggle on earth is over, time for him to go back to Him. Though for a lot of us on earth, the time seems short. However, I believe if we know what kind of glory he is in right now, we will feel comforted. It doesn't take away the pain we feel for not having him on earth, in fact, when we stare at death, it is so unnatural, so ridiculous that we can't even explain it.

Goodbye, Kwok Wah, next time we see you, we will all rejoice the fact that we are with the Lord. We cannot imagine just yet how life is like without you being here.

國華，下次再見的時候，我們會在天家，你會跟我說：「你來了，真好！」
我們在神學院的時候叫你做「譚大牧」，因為你一早已經顯出了牧者的心腸。你經常都是笑容滿面的，你對同學、師弟、師妹們的真誠關心，是我們很容易感受到的。
還記得我們修希伯來文的時候，我們幾個人因為希望互相鼓勵，決定「比賽」誰在測驗中得最低分的就要請吃飯嗎？我經常都是最低分的那個，但是因為你的牧者心腸，你代替我請吃飯，真係唔話得。
離開香港十年後我回去香港，竟然在尖沙咀碰見你和寶珍手拖手行街。你微笑說：「同老婆拍拖。」恩愛之情表露無遺。
我們不知道為甚麼神決定這是你返天家的時候了。在我們的角度，似是還有許多沒做完的事，沒說完的話。許多問題不知道會不會有答案。
你打了一場美好的仗，我們懷念你。國華，天家見。

Freecycle to the rescue

Freecycle saves my day again. Since I am very afraid that my clumsy hands will soon break the second French Press that I am using, and therefore means no coffee in the morning, I put a wanted ad on Freecycle. Two people responded, one with a small French Press, another with a small coffee machine.
We went to pick them up today, both are personal sizes, which is great for me, since Dan doesn't use any contraptions to make his drinks, he uses freeze dry crystal stuff or just scope the chocolate powder into hot water.
I am very thankful for this blessing, they put me in such a good mood that I even comply to Kioni's request to bake a cake, with chocolate frosting and sparkly sprinkles.

Lamenting

I am lamenting over my beloved French Press. While I was just writing about it last month, one of my two French Presses broke yesterday. It was sitting on a plastic bag after a morning breakfast rush, while I was cleaning up, I lifted the plastic bag, and glass part of the French Press fell into the stainless steel sink, it just went into pieces, so was my heart.

Now I have one left, if this one breaks, I will have no recourse in making a nice cup of coffee. I will still go through life, but a bit tougher without coffee.