Letting Go

Picture from www.janicemarinerward.com

Kioni is playing outside with her two neighbour friends. Dan wrote a google chat to me saying that it is difficult to see our only child playing out there, all by herself, not needing our help or constant care at all. There comes a time when parents realize that their children are not little anymore, it is time to let go, but each step is hard, because that represents independancy, something that the parents are so used to the day the child was born. Different stages of the child's life will require different kinds of letting go, right now for us, it is just letting her playing outside without checking on her every 5 minutes.

How many weeks?

676 weeks. That's how many weekends we have with Kioni before she turns 18 and heads off to college. Well, in fact, less than that, I have to minus the weekends when she will be out with her friends, going to camps, etc. So what are we going to do with the 676 weekends? I would like to have lots of memory-making activities. Just like what my parents did with us, beaches, hiking, dinner at grandma's, playing with cousins, special restaurant treats. Wrecking my brain how to do so in the rainy Aberdeen weather, limited budget and absence of families.

Brilliant mind

I am surprised how easily C.S. Lewis communicates with little minds, how brilliant it is to be able to pass over thoughts and emotions through simple words 45 years after he died! What kind of gift is that, to be able to write so many genre of literature and be so good at it! God truly bless some people with a brilliant mind, Lewis sure was one of them.

Kioni just finished reading The Magician's Nephew in the Chronicles of Narnia. She loves every single bit of it and asked to read the rest of the Chronicles. What a big mistake I made to leave my set of Chronicles of Narnia back in the U.S.! Well, I didn't think my 4 year old would be enjoying it that much, to tell the truth. So the best we can do for now is to show her the movie The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Some scenes in the movie are a bit too scary for her, like the scene where Aslan was killed. Kioni doesn't like see the "ugly dudes."

Kioni not only loves the story, she even starts imagining her stuff toy animals coming alive and living in Narnia. She makes her pet sheep toy BaaBaa come alive, and the sheep bite the head of the White Witch off! I at first thought it is not possible that a sheep can bite a person's head off, and it is also too violent. When I was set to correct her, I was reminded that in fantasy land, everything is possible. And wars are always violent, so I let it go.

Only doing what Tiger Woods' parents did...

Why this article
I have not been able to express how I have been feeling for a long while about Kioni's possible giftedness. It stressed me out when I talk about it, because I have seen how others look at us, "Alright, she knows how to read, that's good", "You are making a mistake by pushing so hard, she is only 3, for crying out loud!"
"Add the label 'gifted' to a child and a whole range of preconceptions kick in to judge what that child is like. Some will see him or her as a 'little Einstein' and others as the product of pushy parents." National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC)

Sometimes people plain don't believe us. I deleted a whole section in our recent newsletter where Dan listed all the 2nd grade home-school subjects that Kioni is taking for this particular reason. How do we tell people we are not pushing her?


Kioni writing a "book" complete with illustrations

It is almost painful not be able to talk to other people about her daily activities, because I cannot explain why she LOVES to do Kumon pages and other school work, how easy it is for Kioni to learn German, how easy it is for her to spell "concentration", "veterinarian" and "rehearsal", how much she loves to read the "Woodland Mysteries" stories (a series of books in 10 chapters or so with only black and white drawings), and handbook for dinosaurs and field guide for mushrooms, how she can identify the "ring-tailed lemur" immediately when she saw one on TV, how much she loves to sit down and write a "book" for hours, complete with illustrations.


A ring-tailed lemur

But I have decided that I need to acknowledge the fact that she is gifted in words and languages, and work on guiding Kioni to the best of my ability, instead of worrying about how people look at us. We need to know how to parent her, because she has unusual needs that comes with the giftedness:

"Advanced cognition often makes gifted children aware of information that they are not yet emotionally ready to handle, particularly over moral and ethical issues. They tend to experience all of life with greater intensity, rendering them emotionally complex and very vulnerable to dilemmas as they grow in awareness. There are no 'developmental norms' for gifted children and comparisons with children of the same age become meaningless; they have more advanced play interests and often are academically far ahead of their age peers." NAGC

How it all began
Dan and I are not "kids" people, we didn't really pay much attention to kids, and if you asked how old a kid is, we probably would get it wrong. That changed when we have Kioni, not much though, except now we know probably how old a kid is. But when it comes to learning abilities, we still had no clue what a 6 months old could do. We of course looked up the internet for milestones kind of stuff, but I often thought they were not accurate because it seems like Kioni has exceeded many of the milestones. So after a while, I didn't pay attention to those anymore, naming them going to easy on what kids can do.

It was not until we started hearing our friends, particularly those who have several kids, telling us Kioni possesses some special abilities, then we started to think maybe she is a bit different. But still, "gifted" is a word that never entered our mind. Afterall, Dan and I are both "average" people, two average people, logically, should not have produced a "gifted" person, plus it sounded a bit scary to have a "gifted" kid.

When Kioni uttered her first word "lamp" at 5 months, and searched the floor for our dog when we said the dog's name (MeMe), we were amazed, but didn't think too much about it, thinking that's quite normal. She also loved to sit still at my lap and listened to me read to her, and flipped the pages when the page was done.

Coming into realization
Then at 10 months of age, she started learning the alphabets, both upper case and lower case through a great website, then we thought, great! We knew by then she loves to read.

At 18 months, Dan had to find something for the two of them to do while I was at work, so we contacted a Kumon center, the evaluation on that day confirmed our belief that she is good at reading. Six months later, she was enrolled, she was two years and three months old. By the time she is in the program for 2 years at the age of 4 years and 3 months, she will complete over half of the Kumon Reading program.

While researching how to help Kioni live and learn during our future years in Aberdeen, Scotland, I came across the above mentioned website NAGC. The following Level 4 descriptions in many ways describes Kioni on the spot, I highlighted those points. (The UK identifies students in 5 levels of giftedness, with level 5 being the highest.) Kioni is clearly gifted in Language and Words, (her vocabulary level is at U.S. 6th grade level), probably in some other areas that we still have to put a name to it.

Only doing what Tiger Woods' parents did
We know for sure she is not "Little Einstein", she is gifted only in certain areas, but it is enough for us to pause and ponder how to best raise her to be someone who will be used by God in a powerful and wonderful way. I believe God gives her a good brain for a reason.
Afterall, we are just doing what Tiger Woods' parents did -- "His parents identified their son's talent at an unusually early age. (His father) devoted his energies to developing his son's talent and to furthering the boy's career as a golfer. All the while, Tiger's mother made sure that her son's rare talent and his budding golf career would not interfere with his childhood or his future happiness." (from Answers.com)

Level Four Gifted
How many Level Four children are there in our schools? Many parents of many Level Four children turn to home education to solve some of the school behaviour issues, schools where most of the parents are highly educated professionals, can expect that about 2% of their students may be at Level Four or higher. A middle class population primary school with 100 children per year group will have one or two of these children for every two year groups, which means the school will probably not have a pupil this intelligent every year. By the time the pupils are all drawn together for secondary school, there may be 1 to 3 students in each year group.

• Almost all paid attention within months of birth while someone to read to them (Kioni - 4 months)
  
  
• Books were a favourite interest before three or four months (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Almost all understood parental directives by 6 months (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Most knew and said some words by 5 to 9 months (She utter her first word - lamp when she was 5 months old)
  
  
• Many had large vocabularies, receptive and expressive, by 14 months (Friends who baby-sat her would often made that comment to us, at the time, we didn't know better.)
  
  
• Many recognized and picked out specific numbers and letters by 12-15 months (True for Kioni)

• Most knew many colors by 15-18 months (She knew hers before 12 months)
  
  
• Many liked puzzles by 15 to 36 months (35+ piece puzzles) (Puzzles are one of her favourite toys)
  
  
• Many read numerous sight words between 15 and 20 months (True for Kioni)

• Almost all knew the entire alphabet by 15-22 months (Kioni knew the alphabet by 12 months)
  
  
• Most read names on signs and stores from between 20 months and 3 years (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Many memorized the books that were read to them before they were 2 years old (True for Kioni)

• Many showed interest in letter sounds and sounding out short words by age 2 (True for Kioni at 18 months)
  
  
• Most were speaking in complex sentences, more than four words, by 15 to 24 months (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Many could rote count to 10, many higher, by 13 to 20 months (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Most printed letters, numbers, words, and their names between 2 and 3 years (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Many had high interest in factual information, how things work, science, by 3 to 4 (True for Kioni, she has a lot of books on animal facts, science, space and such.)
  
  
• Most knew many sight words by age 3-4 (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Most grasp skip counting, backwards, addition, subtraction, more and less, by 3 to 4 years (Kioni has been doing all of the above since age 3 with Kumon, and continuing with homeschooling in Singapore Math, she is grasping the concept of fraction also recently - November, 2008.)
  
  
• Most were independent on computer by age 3 to 4 years, most keyboarding by 5 (Kioni started to use the computer (mouse) at 2 and a half. She is typing, properly with all fingers, by 5.)
  
  
• Most read easy readers by age 3 to 4 years (True for Kioni)
  
  
• Many question the reality of Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy by 3 to 4 years (She never believes they were real)
  
  
• Many understand some multiplication, division and some fractions by 5 (She is doing exactly those in Singapore Math in 2008-2009, somewhere from age 4-5.)
  
  
• Most read for pleasure and information by 5 (Kioni started doing that by 3, she would read shampoo bottles, cereal boxes, instruction manuals, anything that would rive her information on a certain product.)
  
  
• All read two to five years beyond grade level by age 6 (Kioni is about 5 years beyond her grade level)
  
  
• All read youth and adult chapter books independently by age 6-7 (True for Kioni)

Most Level Four children were capable of finishing all academic coursework through Year 7 grade (US senior high school year) before they reached Year 3 or 4 (9th grade or 10th grade) , but few of them had the opportunity. If the environment, inner drive, and general opportunities are right for them, Level Four children are capable of performing at the highest levels in their areas and fields of interest.

They are coming after me!

Indeed the world is becoming smaller and there are a lot more exchanges among peoples and cultures, but being a "foreigner" in Asia is still somewhat different.

It is OK for Dan, he is used to it since he married me and he has travelled to Asia many times. However, little Kioni is not understanding some of the unwanted attention that are given to her. Wherever we go in Asia, she draws attention because she how she looks. To westerners' eyes, she looks Chinese, to Chinese, she looks absolutely western. When we went to Pizza Hut in Xiamen, one of the waitress stared at us three for a long time while we were waiting for the elevator, finally she asked me if Kioni is mixed, and if I was her mother. She has an expression of total disbelief when I answered 'yes' to both of her questions. She finally said, "But she doesn't look Chinese AT ALL!'

It was fine in Hong Kong, people there see lots of foreigners, so people might turn and take a second look at her, but not much after that. In Cebu, where a lot of people worship mixed kids, thinking they are the most beautiful type of people on the planet, Kioni is physically touched a lot, on her face, on her arm, on her head, on her legs, etc. More than once, kids in Cebu just come up to Kioni and stood within 2 inches in front of her and started touching her. I don't care how old you are, you just won't put up with things like this. As a result, Kioni screams whenever she sees strangers, children or adult approaching her. "They are coming after me, Mommy!" Then she would run to me for protection. She always has this fear and said such things when someone comes a bit closer. Eventually, I have to tell her people do that to her because she is cute. She still screams, but not as loud as before.

Here is Xiamen, people are more reserved, a lot of long stares will follow us as a family, a few bold ones will touch Kioni with lightening speed. Even with just stares, they are sometimes hard to deal with. Yesterday she couldn't take it anymore and asked me over and over why people look at her and smile at her, that was when we were taking a ferry to Gulangyu. There were so many people on the ferry that she couldn't hide from them even I was holding her and she buried her face on my shoulder. Eventually, I just have to tell Kioni to ignore them. I know this is not the nicest thing to say, but she just cannot possibily deal with all these attention. I have a taste of how being a celebrity must be like. (Pay attention to the staring eyes in the background of the photo.)

Every day from going out of our hotel room, to getting into the elevator to walking in the street and sitting down in a restaurant, it never fails that she, or we, drew a lot of attention. Dan already sticks out like a sore thumb, then with me talking to Dan in English, and with a mixed kid in tow, people are bound to stare and point, this makes our outing quite uncomfortable sometimes. Both Dan and I have learned to ignore the stares, but Kioni is still figuring out why people would touch her, stare at her, smile at her, and a few even attempt to hold her.

As a mother, I feel like I have failed her when someone successfully touched her and made her scream. I feel like I failed to protect her, I was her only defense, yet some people are so quick, some sneak in from behind, some would touch her dangling leg even when I was clutching her tight in my arms.

On the up side, though, she has priviledges that a "regular" kid does not have, she gets colorful bowls and plates to eat with, she gets special little attention that other kids won't get. She has gotten so many extra gifts when we go into stores to buy things. She got a bowl and chopstick gift set because we bought a $20 USD worth of things, while that gift set is for customers who have purchased $400 USD or more. The guy behind the counter just said, "I will give you a set, just because you are so cute." She has gotten little free gifts from shops where we bought stuff. People just found her irrestibly cute and had to give her something to please her.

All in all, it is not healthy for Kioni to be admired for something that neither is her virtue nor her merit. I am worried that she would grow up being used to having people around her adoring her just because she is different looking. I am at lost in what to do right now. Maybe living in a western society will give her a better share in life. It must be hard for long-term missionaries who try to raise their children in Asia, however, I trust that God will give us a way to deal with all these if He indeed would call us to serve him long-term in Asia.