自信心爆棚

在找一本很久沒看過的書，翻箱倒籠之際，無意間看到一張舊照片。年輕的我束了一頭當時最流行的長長波浪式浮雲般的曲髮，眉梢間漫溢著自信的鋒芒，笑意盈盈，大學剛畢業沒幾年吧，那至少是二十年前拍的了...... 。欣賞自己的青春，滿足的笑靨，和那似能征服世間一切困難的籌躇滿志。

定神再看與我合照的各位太太，每個年紀都比當時的我大很多，仔細一個一個看，居然沒有一個認得！名字更不用說，全無印象。頓時心裡一沉：那明明是我，雖然看來與他們並不親近，但也不像完全陌生，為何竟然對他們沒有一絲記憶？這些是甚麼人？

以為是老花眼作怪，摘下近視鏡再仔細端詳每張臉，搞盡腦汁，回想畢業後幾年我做過甚麼事，有甚麼是跟一群四十開外，看似斯文有教養的人一起做的？

終於稍見端倪，照片正中央被我們圍著的年長女士，臉很熟悉呢，在哪裡見過？是誰？是誰？究竟她是誰？

啊！是老師，是教普通話教學的北京老師！這是一起上港大普通話教學法的同學！都是現職的普通話老師，來拿資格的，只有我一個甚麼教學文憑都沒有，也沒有教過普通話，就只憑會說普通話，就跑去學怎麼教了，結果仍以A+成績取得文憑。

當時果然自信心爆棚！

我信，因為這「不合理」。

世上不合理的事情太多了，多得令我不想看，不想想，不合理的事情天天發生，令我生氣，令我生厭。有時候自問：「你認為合理的，別人可不這樣認為，你又怎能堅稱你的才是對的，別人都要合你的理？」沒錯，我不能叫別人都「合」我的「理」，但我相信人世間有一不變的真理，這真理不論你怎麼辯解、怎麼曲解、怎麼不解，都仍然屹立不搖，因為是真實不變的道理。這真理是甚麼？這真理是信、是望、是愛。

小童被拐帶後被斬手斬腳，弄瞎燒傷，繼而被餓肚子，推到街上行乞，這合理嗎？不！但對小孩子做這些事的人，認為很合理：弱肉強食，適者生存，那裡錯了？那麼，我能跟他們說他們不合理嗎？如果根據「你不能叫別人都『合』你的『理』」的推理，我不可以說他們不對，社會不可以說他們不對，執法機構更不可以說他們不對，法律不外人情，不是嗎？難道執法者要拐帶小童的餓肚子嗎？然而，人心中有個「律」，世人稱之為「良心」，這個大部份人共同擁有對甚麼是合理，甚麼是不合理的信念，讓我們知道，要指責拐賣小童的人，社會也要有法律懲治這等人，因為人間有信、有望、有愛。無論拐帶孩童者怎麼辯解、怎麼曲解、怎麼不解，人心中的信、望、愛，仍然屹立不搖！

就在自忖人世間仍存天理的一刻，突然遇見一件怎麼看也不合理的事：

我殺了人，被拉上法庭，被判死罪。然而，法官宣判的一刻，竟然指著站在被告欄旁的一個人，說：「你，代替她坐到電椅上。」那人默默點頭，被庭警帶走。我無罪釋放了。發生了甚麼事？那人是誰？為甚麼他會聽法官的話？莫非他也是重犯，反正要死的，就把我的死罪也算到他頭上，莫非法官對我開恩了？但是，為甚麼？

走到法院外面，被一大群記者包圍，他們不解地皺著眉，搶著高聲問我：「妳是否行賄了？辯護律師跟法官有甚麼協議嗎？」在團團疑惑中，他們的問題叫我更混亂。我不明白他們在說甚麼，問身邊的朋友，他們同樣疑惑地看著我，我問：「究竟那被帶走的人是誰？」

此時，一位記者大聲喊著問：「你跟法官的兒子是甚麼關係？是情人嗎？」

甚麼？情人？法官的兒子？！我從來沒見過這個人，法官為甚麼要叫他的兒子頂替我？這人沒有犯過法，連超速行車、隨地吐痰、不按燈號過馬路，都沒有犯過。再打聽一下，原來他不單是法官的兒子，更是法官的獨子，是他所有資產的唯一繼承人！

福音，就是那麼「不合理」。我信神、信福音、信耶穌，因為越看聖經越覺得「不合理」。

哥林多前書1:18-21
因為十字架的道理，在那滅亡的人為愚拙；在我們得救的人，卻為上帝的大能。就如經上所記： 我要滅絕智慧人的智慧， 廢棄聰明人的聰明。智慧人在哪裏？文士在哪裏？這世上的辯士在哪裏？上帝豈不是叫這世上的智慧變成愚拙嗎？ 世人憑自己的智慧，既不認識上帝，上帝就樂意用人所當作愚拙的道理拯救那些信的人；這就是上帝的智慧了。

100% Me

"Quiet"
The Hong Kong History Museum

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

"Step Aside"
The Hong Kong History Museum

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice?

First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either. 

Caring for Your Introvert-The habits and needs of a little-understood group by Jonathan Rauch

《赤壁懷古》

一直偏愛《赤壁懷古》，大學剛畢業到四川成都，路旁一位老先生在題扇面，隨即趨前選了一把扇面扇骨俱黑的紙扇，請題《赤壁懷古》。老先生用白「墨」一揮而就，看著瀟灑蒼勁的字跡，唸著氣勢磅礡的古詞，甚為得意陶醉。逐插扇於牛仔褲後袋，以便隨時欣賞。豈料不足廿四小時，在鄉郊上茅厠之際，忘了紙扇在後，只聽一聲悶響，紙扇已然掉進「五彩茅廁」裡，（三十年前去過大陸鄉間的朋友必定明白「五彩」之意。）

這一驚非同小可，不管茅厠氣味顏色，刻不容緩，俯身伸手就向紙扇搶去。幸而速度夠快，紙扇尚未沉落「稀土」中，只有扇骨一角沾染了穢物。茅廁自來水欠奉，只有掏出 Tempo  紙巾，瘋狂拭擦，再以僅餘食水洗滌。目檢嗅查，不留茅廁痕跡，但我已然一頭冷汗，一身大汗。從此扇放背包，不再與褲袋為伍。

可惜廿五年後，拼命勇救的心愛紙扇已在無數次搬遷中消失。
蘇軾懷赤壁，我念赤壁紙扇。


蘇軾 念奴嬌 《赤壁懷古》

大江東去，浪淘盡，千古風流人物。
故壘西邊，人道是，三國周郎赤壁。
亂石崩雲，驚濤拍岸，捲起千堆雪；
江山如畫，一時多少豪傑。

遙想公瑾當年，小喬初嫁了，雄姿英發，
羽扇綸巾，談笑間，強虜灰飛煙滅。
故國神遊，多情應笑我，早生華發。
人生如夢，一尊還酹江月。

不能忘記

很多人選擇忘記今天，二十三年前的今天在神州大地發生的一切。他們選擇略過暴政的所作所為，輕看年青生命所流的血，踐踏進入了永恆的靈魂。這是他們的選擇，我...... 無言以對。

多謝許多選擇記住今天的人，其中有不少是我的朋友，謝謝你們沒有忘記。

如果你們不再提起，我會很孤獨。
如果你們不置可否，我會很疑惑。
如果你們說我不切實際，我會很傷心。

今天，我不能忘記，謝謝你們，因為你們也不能忘記。

One word: SWEET

Memories With Mom

Mom, did you know you are the world's greatest mom?  Here are a few good memories that make you that.  And don't forget that I love you!

Do you remember when we first dug up Momiji?  The air was refreshing, and Momiji was pretty.  Her leaves were a beautiful maroon, and her tiny stem was soft.  Your hair was hanging down as you gently dig her up and put it in the tissue.  When we got into the car, I felt the paper of the tissue holding our new "plant pet."  I know you had always wanted a Japanese Maple, especially the red ones.  Now your wish has been fulfilled.  It was fun watering her, I felt happy digging her up, and I am delighted that she is growing.

Can you recall the time when we went to that trainlike rollercoaster?  It was scary!  the artificial rocks towered above us.  Your hair was flying like it had a mind of its own.  You were gripping the metal bars very hard, and you were dizzy for the rest of the day.  As we rode, I thought, "This is kind of scary and kind of fun!"  But you thought it was just plain scary.  I think the part that made you dizzy was the part that went down, and you could see the thin track.  It made me feel like I was going to fall off.  All the other people were whopping and screaming, and I was, too.  This memory is special to me because it was my first rollercoaster ride, and not many moms are dizzy the WHOLE DAY after a rollercoaster ride.

When I think of Ocean Park, I think of you.  It was really fun!  I saw the dolphins and seals at the dolphin show, tasted the yummy food you packed for me, and I smelled the fresh air.  But I was sad when we left, and now I wish that we could go there again.  I saw the colorful, musical amusement park, and the new Ocean Express station was really cool!  The time that I dropped my chicken nugget was very funny.  The stray cat ate it!  I remember this memory well because I only get to go there a little, and you usually go whenever I suggest.

As you can see, these are just a few of the many memories we have had together.  I hope we have many more.  Hope you have an excellent Mother's Day!

Best Wishes,

Kioni

你很漂亮

三美元迷你蘭花，祺祺喜歡它的淺綠色，
所以雖然這是看起來最不健康的一株，也帶了回家。

一美元半淍謝蘭花

昨天「大出血」花了四美元買了兩株促銷蘭花，促銷因為兩株都已開過花，要等明年才會再開了。其中一株更因缺水，快要死掉，所以才賣一美元。雖然明知道那一美元可能是丟進了鹹水海，但看到它時深感不能讓它待在店裡，就此死掉，就是要買它回家。

一元蘭花喝了一晚水有一點點起色，但因為葉子太乾了，也許不能回復從前的生機。也許這株蘭花「受傷太重」，永遠不能像同儕般綻放，甚至葉子可能也永遠低低垂著，不能「抬頭」，但它的存在對我有另一層意義和價值。

今早看到它，想到「壓傷的蘆葦祂不折斷」這句話，也許正因為經歷過壓傷了不被丟棄，更被特意買贖回家殷切照料這恩典，所以能與這株蘭花認同，也就違反一般消費常理，把半死的蘭花買回家。

一元蘭花，你安全了，不會再捱饑抵渴。答應照顧你一生，供你溫飽，就好好活下來吧。不要擔心能不能按時開花，看到你活著就足夠了。不管別人怎麼評價你，在我心中，你很漂亮。

一幀舊照

很久沒有寫blog，亦很久沒有失眠了。眼睛看著iPad上那玉樹臨風的韓劇男主角，心中郤想著那位二十年沒見過面的主內弟兄。不要說見面了，就連電郵電話都不能有。

睡不著，是因為日間有位弟兄在面書教會社團上放了一幀舊照，照片中那久違的弟兄與眾弟兄姊妹擠在狹小的露營帳幕內，笑意盈溢，純誠摰愛。弟兄熱愛生命，熱愛朋友，更愛他的主耶穌。腦子裡頓時浮現了與這位弟兄在詩班練唱，三度去馬來西亞潛水、在團契中事奉、無聊時在教會拉扯對話等等的圖畫，不知不覺間，已淚如泉湧，心中隱隱作痛。

自己也嚇了一跳，為何會那麼心痛？為何會不自控地流淚？想像他的處境，感受他的心情，衡量想跟他說的話，淚就不其然而下。然而，心中強烈感到，我不用發一言，他已經知道我要說的每句話。

我知道他知道我們想念他，知道我們沒有忘記過他，知道我們盼望能與他自由通電郵、講電話、見面吃飯、去馬來西亞吃沙嗲喝拉茶、或只是百無聊賴，有一搭沒一搭地天南地北。

是的，你知道。

你選擇留在現在的境況一定有你的原因，也許你覺得別無選擇，我也曾覺得生命別無選擇，也就以無奈為主題活著。可是我錯了，神的兒女是有自由的，我的自由在祂裡面。我的生命並不無奈，令其無奈的是我自己。

只想你知道你永遠是我們之一，我們不會忘記你，怎能忘記你呢？無論你的選擇為何，做甚麼決定，我們都永遠站在你身旁。我們或許會因為你的決定心痛無奈，也許我們也曾做過令你心痛無奈的決定，但今天我想跟你說：「愛裡沒有懼怕，愛能消解任何恩怨情仇。」

羅馬書8:35, 38-39

• 誰能使我們與基督的愛隔絕呢？難道是患難嗎？是困苦嗎？是逼迫嗎？是飢餓嗎？是赤身露體嗎？是危險嗎？是刀劍嗎？
• 我深信無論是死、是生、是天使、是掌權的、是有能的、是現在的事、是將來的事、是高處的、是低處的、是別的受造之物，都不能叫我們與神的愛隔絕。

飛略而過

一天過得很快，早上起來以為有漫長的一天去工作、運動、做飯、洗衣、收拾，誰知道一眨眼已是十一時，再眨眼已是做晚飯的時間，轉一個身，是時候睡覺了。

「快樂不知時日過」，其實快樂與不快樂都會不知時日過，只要那一天被填滿了，「快樂」與否不是重點，時日，仍然過得很快。

雖然感覺日子飛略而過，但每天仍要面對磨鍊，安慰的是，日子飛略而過，一天的磨鍊亦飛略而過，第二天，就待睡醒了再去面對。第二天亦會飛略而過，第二天的磨鍊亦如是。「一天的難處一天當就夠了。」

盼望著耶穌回來，問了祂千萬次甚麼時候才回來。知道大概在我在世的日子，不會見到祂回來，但仍不能放棄去想像，也許就在這麼一刻，號角響起，祂要來接我啦！不論是被主接走還是在半空與主相遇，我都期待。

眼前未嘗如此黑暗過

在封存了差不多二十多年的箱子裡，看到台大外文系第四期班刊《普羅米修斯》Prometheus。一頁一頁翻看，同學老師熟悉的名字，二十五年後，他們都在哪裡？白紙黑字的單純，牽引思緒至另一個時空，另一縷情懷，另一種存在。

翻到第三十八、三十九頁，版面顏色變了，兩頁紙上跨頁印了一張大大的深灰色黑白照片，男孩子依在欄杆上，欄杆後面是一排禿樹，他大衣的衣角不經意地飄搖，落葉在他腳下，他側著臉看遠方，似在等待......。回憶著，再也翻不下去，是這三首詩啊！原來，他曾為她如此傷痛流淚。

詩人緣子一天下課後在課室外把她叫住，手裡拿著一頁輕薄的原稿紙：
「妳是編輯，就交給妳。」他靠近她身邊，柔聲地說。
她把原稿紙接過來，正要打開來看。
「回去再看吧。」他眉間眼裡泛著的絲縷柔情，就如往昔一般打動她。
「為甚麼不能現在看？是甚麼那麼神秘？」她心裡嘀咕著，但尊重他的要求，把稿子輕輕握在手裡，生怕多壓了一條細紋。正要轉身離去，他又把她叫住：
「答應我，妳來設計這稿子的版面，妳親手做，行嗎？」他直看到她心底最深處，那哀戚的眼神，撥動了那本已顫動的心弦。
「那有投稿者連誰來設計版面也有要求的？究竟寫的是甚麼？那麼緊張兮兮。」她不敢抬頭看他，怕再看一眼，他會聽見她心中那低迴的哀歌。
「我要跟其他編輯商量。」她把頭壓得低低的，看著手中的稿子，不置可否地說。
「答應我，妳來做，不要交給別人。」他堅持著，直等到她微微點一下頭，才讓她走。

回到宿舍把稿子打開來看，那顯然是原稿，沒有抄正過，但就算是草草撩下來的，本來就秀朗的字體依然從字裡行間散發著濃濃鬱鬱的憂情。在寂然的宿舍房間內，她讀著詩，不再忍住早該流下的眼淚......

冷雨飄落的深夜，他推著腳踏車在視聽教育館門外，等她做完功課出來，一下子閃到她身旁，冷不及防，她差點把抱著的書洒在地上。其實，他一直在館內離她不遠的位置上看她，生氣她怎麼可以做功課做到那麼晚。外面下著雨，那麼冷，她沒帶傘，沒外衣，啊！他怎麼可以放心她？從這裡走回宿舍至少要二十分金鐘，她一個女孩子，那麼粗心大意！如果我是壞人，她不就已經......。

兩個人都沒雨傘，走在細雨裡，中間隔了他的腳踏車，和一堆理不清，剪不斷的纏繞。他們分開之後，這是他第四次找她，問她能不能跟他繼續下去。

他說：「不能忘記妳。」

她再一次拒絕了。她仍然深愛著他，她從沒如此愛過。但是她不能答應他。他認為稀鬆平常的，正是她的執著。

她說：「不會忘記你。」

那一刻，他知道要永遠失去她，她知道不會再這樣愛。
那一刻，沉默轟然大響，冷雨隨髮絲滴到她抱著書本的手背。
那一刻，眼前未嘗如此黑暗過。

   心  在  為  妳  哭

日子無聊

啃噬無辜的生命

像浩瀚穹蒼

心靈是水

雲聚於天際

低低壓著

陽光是它的反叛者

大地濕潤了

掛上一幅珠簾子

風過處

吹開一頁心扉

讓妳看看

滿滿一泓

淚水

信    

灰灰的天

伴着柔柔的風

送來綠色的鵓鴿

咀含白色的華箋

投進我紅色的

跳動的信箱

風靜了

吹不起一葉枯楓

飄到妳無息的

﹣﹣新巢

     再  見

一夜無眠

枕邊堆積多少愁

香煙繚繞

薰醉幾許未寐人

碧潭河畔

枯草冷伴我對月嗟嘆

我與星星說再見

我與潭水說再見

我與枯草說再見

我與她說再見

不！

我們不再有再見

破曉前的一刻

眼前未嘗如此黑暗過

A beautiful love song

A man who feels this way about a woman is not disillusioned, a great love song written with reality in mind, not just the fuzzy stuff.  I try not to insert spiritual or theological meanings to the lyrics, especially the last couple of stanzas, it's simply how a man feels about a woman he deeply loves.

I was a bit surprised by the singer, his voice sounded to me like a man with long flowing hair and misty blue eyes, but he turns out to be a half balded guy with not so good acting ability.  The original writer and singer, though, is really cool.



She
Maybe the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay

She
Maybe the song that summer sings
Maybe the chill that autumn brings
Maybe a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She
Maybe the beauty or the beast
Maybe the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She
Maybe the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She
Maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
Maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is

She
She, oh she

要「不在」才能「在」

昨晚八點還沒到就鑽進被窩裡，很喜歡捲在被窩的感覺，掀開被子的一刻，總令我像小孩子般打從心底裡笑出來。工作了一整天，實在累了，但又不是睡覺的時候。電視太吵，講話又要動腦筋，甚麼都不想做，就只想閒閒的躺著，尋找那一點點寧息。

愛講話的人不明白不愛講話的人，愛講話的人問不愛講話的人在想甚麼，不愛講話的人說：「沒在想甚麼。」愛講話的人不信，怎麼可能不在想甚麼？眼神迷離，靈魂像出了竅似的，一定在想甚麼，也許是不可告人的「甚麼」？我思故我在，不思故不在，難道不愛講話的人「不在」了？是的，不愛講話的人就需要「不在」的片刻，「不在」的自由，時刻都要「在」，很辛苦呢！人其實都需要一些「不在」的時間，世間充斥著太多太多事、物、人，只有在「不在」的空間裡，才看得見自己，容得下自己。

心靈的寧謐不需要去海邊山林才能尋見，每天若能進入寧靜的空間，稍作停留，那怕只有片刻，就足以為心靈創造一點一滴的能量，再次面對世界，再去「在」。

請容許我寫錯白字

看一些內地維權人士的博客，有許多故意寫同音字、錯白字，以圖避過封殺：

凌⑧县长（零八憲章）
添安闷（天安門）
刘小B（劉曉波）
沒理花（茉莉花）
破害（迫害）

這是個怎樣的國度？要假、錯才能生存，連最對文字認真的文人知識份子，不得不寫錯字、別字、白字，才可以把真正想說的說出來。溫州高速火車追撞事件，拯救人員抗命在現場再作一次搜索，終於救出了兩歲半女童伊伊。抗命原不是好事，然而在這個不倫不類、事非癲倒的國度，唯有抗命才對得住自己的良心，唯有抗命才活得像個人。畸形的國家製造了畸形的意識形態，可憐復可悲。

據說中國女演員湯唯在其微博上這樣寫：

「一個強盛的國家，開放鎗枝都不會被顛覆；一個虛弱的政體，買把菜刀都需要實名；一個人性的國家，總統會逐一唸出遇難者的名字致以哀悼；一個冰冷的政府，遇難人數從來都是高度機密；一個自由的國家，記者可以將內閣大臣追問到滿頭大汗；一個禁錮的體制，官員則告訴記者『信不信由你，反正我是信了。』」

多部挖土機在溫州火車追撞現場挖土，並把車廂翻來翻去。傳聞說有關當局企圖把所有證據盡速埋於土裡。

巧合、瞬間

這兩天在面書上欣賞神學院同學和美麗的妻子、可愛的小兒子在挪威旅行的照片，其中一張照片中湖光山色之美，令我寫下了四個字：「人間天堂」。

不到廿四小時，我正悠閒地躺著欣賞韓劇之際，DAN走進來說挪威市中心發生爆炸，至少死了一個人。我差點沒有跳了起來，第一件事是想知道挪威當地時間是幾點鐘？我的同學和家人正在市中心觀光嗎？心定下來後知道現在最「有效」的行動，不是立即上面書問同學情況如何，而是立即為整件事祈禱，無論受傷的是誰，祈求神的醫治、看顧。

今早起來看新聞才知道原來除了爆炸，還有亂槍掃射青年營，死傷幾十人事件。上面書看見同學報平安，心中釋然。十分難受，為這個一向沒甚麼重大新聞的國家，這個擁有攝人心魄的冰川的國家深感哀傷，為我的同學、家人、團友感難受，美麗的旅遊回憶，添上了一層黑紗。

一個人的決定、行為，只消一瞬間，造成無數家庭不可磨滅、不可彌補的傷痛，就只在一瞬間。

Reality or Fantasy

 A response to an article a friend shared: "Beware Romantic Pornography"

That's a pretty good article, I am glad she pointed out what most people don't see.  I particularly like one line towards the end, "In other words boys and men may need to be civilized, but never feminized."  I hate (yes, I am using the word 'hate,") women whom make their boyfriends carry their little shinny pink handbags, that is completely feminizing the men, are their own tiny handbags too heavy to carry?  Even more disgusting is the fact that those men willingly, or unwillingly, carry the bags!!!  A grown man walking in the mall, getting on and off buses with a handbag in one arm and his girlfriend in another!   Mind-boggling!

Hong Kong guys are quite civilized, maybe because of the 100+ years of British rule, they know how to treat a lady, well, at least the guys I know, can't say if it is true for the newer generations.

I also find it extremely important when watching romantic movies to see what those movies really are, they are not documentaries, it is supposed to show the "impossible,"  that's why they are fun, because it's impossible, just like Superman.  Women and young ladies who watch these movies have to understand what they are watching, i.e., grow a critical brain.  Romantic comedies are supposed to take you out of reality for an hour or so, let you dream the impossible, and then you have to come back into  the real world.  Problems come when women confuse fantasy with reality and start building up an image of men in fantasy-land, just as problems come when you can't tell if Superman is real or fantasy, so you wear a red underwear, put on a red cape and fly out the 32nd floor window.


Using literature to explain, you will be in deep doo-doo if you read poetry like history and apocalyptic works (e.g., the book of Revelation) like fantasy.  Genre is such an important element when understanding and enjoying literature or movies.

The reason I love Korean drama, is that men are civilized, not feminized, it shows men, to a certain extend, how a civilized man should think or act, respecting, protecting the woman, and very often, withholding his feelings for the good of the woman, sacrificing himself for the woman.  However, I do not like their physical roughness towards women, dragging them by the wrists, yelling, but probably that's what Korean culture is like.

I love what the author of the article said to her girls, I am teaching Kioni the same thing, "One day look to marry a Christian man of faithful and strong character; whom they will respect and whose distinctly male characteristics they will appreciate; that I hope they will have a group of close women friends, and that they will never get them and their husbands confused."

However, I cringe at how she used the word 'pornography,' maybe she made up the term 'romantic pornography' just to draw attention?  If "twisting the perception for women about real men and how they 'ought' to behave toward women" amounts to pornography, then there are too many kinds of pornography in this world, and the largest group of pornographers are pastors, since so many "twisted the perception for the congregation about the real God and how he "ought" to behave towards his people."  I wish the author would have chosen another word for "pornography."

Balancing the salvation check book

How much would you pay for a life? No, I am not talking about a hit job, but how much would you pay if you “could” buy someone’s salvation?

I came to think about this question when I first became a Christian.  I wanted so much for my parents to be saved, but to this day they’re still not.  I thought at that time, if only I could trade something with God for their salvation, I mean anything, even my life.  If God says, “Amy, in order for your parents to be saved, you have to die.”  I would say, “Absolutely! Take my life!”  Thankfully, Jesus has already given his life for my parents, and I am not qualified for the job anyway.

If one could give one's life up for another's salvation, I don't know how many Christians would give up their lives for Buddhist and Muslims.  I thought of the decades of unceasing work in the gospel hard soil of Japan and numerous Islamic countries. The enormous amount of resources pouring in sure does not seem like it is ‘balancing’ the number of people saved. However, I am sure if you ask any one of those who are supporting ministries in these countries, who are working faithfully, who have given their lives for the people in these countries, “Is it worth it?” They will give you a definite "YES!"

God, through this, is telling us that ‘balancing the salvation check book’ is not our concern, it's his business, all we need to do is to remain faithful to what he has called us to do, walk with him, look to him, feel his heart for the lost, the rest is God's concern, not ours.

I'll be back

In just a while, I'll be back blogging.  I don't even want to start telling you why I didn't blog in the past year or so.  If you know, you know, if you don't, don't bother.

The most 'convenient' reason is, I am in China, China is not exactly buddy buddy with Google, Blogger is blogged here, no blogging with Blogger.

Soon, I'll be back, this, I want to promise myself, but a bit afraid to.

我想如何死

生死都不由得我決定，不過，我雖不能想像自己如何生，郤能想像自己如何死。
我期望我的死是瞬間發生的事，是我預料不到的。我不希望大病一場才死，不需要交待後事，後事自有後人處理，更何況我深信神會照管一切後事。

我自私嗎？也許是的。但自私與否，我如何死不是我決定的。就像我結婚的時候，沒有預料到我的婚姻會對我和他都變成如此煎熬，帶來極大的傷痛。沒有早知，這 世上只有神能早知，但祂不會讓我們知道祂的「早知」，因為祂希望我們每一刻都信靠祂。但不容易啊！我總希望知道三年後我會面對甚麼。但不經不覺間，三年就 過去了，回頭一看，原來神帶領我走到此地，其中的辛酸，都在神的照管之下，奇怪。

攫住我心

很多人覺得要應付生活已經很煩，還管什麼政治？為何六四過了二十多年仍每年有成千上萬的人在維園舉行燭光晚會記念？太傻了吧！當年生的一代現在都已大學畢業了，投入社會工作，積極賺錢買樓，積極尋找另一半結婚生子。六四那一代過去了，成了中年男子，中年婦人了，還吵甚麼吵？政治不是我們普通人搞的，沒錢沒後台的人，休想在政治在有甚麼影響。歷史，就留待研究歷史的人去看，普通人就繼續做我們的普通事。

從小就不喜歡歷史，中學的歷史科一敗塗地。不關心歷史，因為覺得歷史是過去了的事，為何要關心？當下才重要，過去的，就讓它過去。梁壽華牧師改變了我對歷史的看法，第一次讀歷史考了個九十八分的，是在晚間神學課程中修的中國教會史，梁牧師的教學非常生動，不單把沉悶的歷史講得有趣，更叫我看見原來歷史不單是過去的事件，更反照現今世代，也許更隱隱地看見未來。

政治兩個字聽起來很冷，沒人性，從政的都是奸的。然而在華盛頓住了三年後發現政治根本就是生活的一部份。教會中認識的人中不乏在國會上班的「重要人物」，然而看見他們從政的動力，原來並非為一己的利益，而是為了回應對神的愛，想叫這個國家的制度更合理、公義。聽見一位在運輸部工作的女士討論如何帶領她的下屬，搜集資料來支持他們提出的一個有關小孩子坐車安全的全國性案，我深受感動，最後她說：「這個法案若通過，不知道可以保障多少小孩子的性命安全，這是我從政的原因。」

 政治和歷史原本都是事不關己，己不勞心的事，可是今天我認識到政治和歷史都是生命中不可或缺的部份，六四、教會歷史、政治與我息息相關，都攫住我心。

政治化了

中國政府說那是場暴民引發的動亂，人民說那是由學生啟動的民主愛國運動。誰對誰錯，看官心中有數。

事實是中國的坦克車輾過路障進入了天安門廣場，中國人民解放軍以真槍實彈射殺手無寸鐵的人民。事實是，人民死了，解放軍也死了。 事實是，自己人打死自己人。

那麼，為何人民不能記念這場國殤？所有死者的家屬，人民的、解放軍的家屬，都有需要、有權利悼念他們的死者。人民和解放軍的家屬要為其死者申冤，死去的不能說話了，可是，連在生的亦被禁止說話。

申冤是對公義的渴求，郤被禁止。 悼念死者是生者的心靈需要，郤被政治化。

人啊人！我們在做甚麼？

「行公義，好憐憫，存謙卑的心，與你的神同行。 」彌迦書六：8

22 years

This is the 22nd year of my life in Christ.
Thank you, God, for your unfailing love, even for a wretch like me.

忘記了嗎？

天色陰暗，細雨紛飛，然而，飛鳥無懼於風雨，有的高飛，有的在樹枝間跳躍。飛鳥無懼，因為牠們知道神在看顧，我恐懼，是我忘記了嗎？

Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

馬太福音 6:26
你 們 看 那 天 上 的 飛 鳥 ， 也 不 種 ， 也 不 收 ， 也 不 積 蓄 在 倉 裡 ， 你 們 的 天 父 尚 且 養 活 他 。 你 們 不 比 飛 鳥 貴 重 得 多 麼 ？

"Christian Elepants"

這是個「神奇」的故事，有點叫人難以置信，不過，我相信這故事的真實性。

Story source from Asia Harvest.

In 2008, a severe persecution of Christians broke out in the Indian state of Orissa. The end result saw more than 500 Christians murdered, and thousands of others injured and homeless after their houses were reduced to ashes. (See our Latest News releases about Orissa in this file and in the 2008 archive for more information). As a result, Asia Harvest responded and helped the persecuted believers, including building homes for many families. Recently, a strange and dramatic event took place in Orissa, which has many people talking and wondering.

The Restoration India Mission has reported that in recent months, herds of wild elephants have begun to storm villages that are home to some of the worst persecutors of Christians during the troubles. In one village where in August a year ago the Christians had to run for their lives while their homes were being destroyed by rioters, a herd of elephants emerged from the surrounding jungle, RIM reports, "Exactly one year later, at the same time of the day, the persecutors are now running for their lives, from nothing less than a herd of wild elephants! These elephants first attacked a rock crusher machine owned by a key leader of the persecution movement. They then went on to destroy his house and farms. Gaining momentum, they rampaged through other non-Christian homes demolishing gardens and singling out the homes of persecutors, leaving Christian homes untouched. People ran to the police station to report the disastrous news. In one case, a police jeep that attempted to drive away the herd was attacked and the occupants barely escaped. Truly, God is the avenger of the helpless.

These strange attacks have spread, and according to a report by Kusanath Pradhan, the elephants have already destroyed more than 700 houses in 30 villages, and killed five people. Nobody in this area has seen or even imagined the unique appearance of a herd of wild elephants such as this. The elephants are not ordinary elephants; they appear to be on a mission. Typically, smaller elephants enter a village first, appearing to survey the community. They then rejoin the larger herd, and larger elephants soon follow and get the job done. "Just what is their job?" you might ask.

RIM states, "We think that it might have something to do with avenging the blood of martyrs. In fact, the fear of God has fallen on the local people, who have labeled these elephants, "Christian elephants."

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Romans 12:19 Source: Restoration India Mission.

甚麼時候？

甚麼時候我變了四十六歲了？跟爸爸媽媽，妹妹弟弟在西貢沙灘游泳，不就在昨天嗎？
甚麼時候妹妹跟妹夫結婚二十年了？我不才跟她一起去試穿婚紗？
甚麼時候大姨甥長大成人，快要唸大學了？我剛剛才去接新生的他和他媽媽離開醫院回家呢！
甚麼時候女兒自己一口一口吃飯？自己坐在琴前作起曲來了？昨天我還拿著奶瓶餵她。
回頭一看，原來半生已過，原來不知不覺中，我把自己的生命注入在這裡那裡，造成歷史了。
我在這歷史中的位置是甚麼？
地上的生命不知道還有多久，我盼望的，是將來永存永在的生命，因為那時我不會再問「甚麼時候？」

Chestnuts

I was on my regular walking route last week, something caught my eye, at first I thought they were cockroaches, I was about the jump away, but when they didn't move, then I realized I was staring at some chestnuts! Though I really don't want to touch anything that resembles cockroaches, for the sake of food, I conquered my fear.
I picked a few last week, just for fun. Today I thought, why not pick some more and roast them? There you have it, right now, they are roasting in the oven, 5 minutes to go, yummy.

中年危機？

今天早上趕著出門口，竟然忘記了喝沖好了的鴛鴦！結果是整天都陷於頭痛和情緒很差的狀態中。到了晚上回家吃過晚飯才好一點，不過仍然很累。

這一陣子身心俱疲，晚上經常半夜醒來，左思右想很多事情，也許是中年危機的其中一個問題之一？說來可笑，媽媽在經歷中年危機，女兒的第一顆乳齒才開始搖著，快要掉了。也許我一切都做得太遲了。三十歲才進神學院，三十三歲才結婚，四十歲才當媽媽。還有兩個星期就四十六了，還在等老公在寫論文的第一章。到了四十八，四十九，還有一大堆學校貸款要還。別人年近五十，就開始想退休金，投資這等事，可是這些事對我來說，是遙遙無期的。可能好像「秋天的童話」裡面的船頭尺說的：「到死嗰日，用哂d錢，一毫子都冇剩，啱啱好。」

I love the rain

I love rainy days, always have and always will. Maybe because I am a melancholy, poetic person, rain brings much comfort, the gray sky and translucent crystal-like raindrops somehow calm me down, give me much to ponder on. I love all kinds of rain, silent rain, downpours, thunder and rainstorms, any kind. The only rain that has scared me so far, was when a tornado was approaching our house and a siren had gone off warning people to seek shelter. I had to hide in the bathtub with MeMe dog. Even so, it was comical, because MeMe dog hated baths, she would never willingly went inside a bathtub. I had to leave a trail of dog treats to lead her to the bathtub, and threw a bunch inside the tub. This time, she jumped inside the bathtub, no questions asked. I jumped in with her and held onto her until there was another signal indicating that we were safe.

越老越沉靜？

有人越老越長氣，我發現我自己是越老越沉靜。
我擔心過自己是否開始患了自閉症。可是就是我想自閉也不行，因為女兒喜歡講話，跟爸爸一樣。家裏有兩個愛講話的人，我怎有可能自閉？
可是我有極強獨處的需要，如果我有幾天沒有獨處的時間，我會開始覺得神經病要發作了。麻煩的是，我不單需要獨處時間，還需要很長的獨處時間。每天如果我有幾個小時，那就足夠了。
但是現實是，我有個愛說話的女兒，愛說話的丈夫，那麼，能每天有幾小時獨處，就真的是十分珍貴了。

Life

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

1. Life isn't fair, but it 's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23... Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter? '
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Placido Domingo, John Denver - Perhaps Love

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm.

It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm.
And in those times of trouble, when you are most alone.
The memory of love will bring you home.

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door.
It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more.
And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do.
The memory of love will see you through.

Oh love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel.
For some a way of living, for some a way to feel.
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go.
And some say love is everything, some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain.
Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true.
My memories of love will be of you.

And some say love is holding on and some say letting go.
And some say love is everything, some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain ("change" in another version).
Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true.
My memories of love will be of you.

余光中 - 我的四個假想敵

文人余光中是台灣大學外文系畢業的，是我的學兄。他這篇「我的四個假想敵」，做父母的必定要看。
二女幼珊在港參加僑生聯考，以第一志願分發臺大外文系。聽到這消息，我鬆了一口氣，從此不必擔心四個女兒通通嫁給廣東男孩了。

我對廣東男孩當然並無偏見，在港六年，我班上也有好些可愛的廣東少年，頗討老師的歡心，但是要我把四 個女兒全都讓那些「𡃁仔」、「叻仔」擄掠了去，卻捨不得。不過，女兒要嫁誰，說得灑脫些，是她們的自由意志，說得玄妙些呢，是因緣，做父親的又何必患得 患 失呢？何況在這件事上，做母親的往往位居要衝，自然而然成了女兒的親密顧問，甚至親密戰友，作戰的對象不是男友，卻是父親。等到做父親的驚醒過來，早已腹 背受敵，難挽大勢了。

在父親的眼裏，女兒最可愛的時候是在十歲以前，因為那時她完全屬於自己。在男友的眼裏，她最可愛的時候卻在十七歲以後，因為這時她正像畢業班的學生，已經一心向外了。

父親和男友，先天上就有矛盾。對父親來說，世界上沒有東西比稚齡的女兒更完美的了，唯一的缺點就是會長大，除非你用急凍術把她久藏，不過這恐怕是違法的，而且她的男友遲早會騎了駿馬或摩托車來，把她吻醒。

我未用太空艙的凍眠術，一任時光催迫，日月輪轉，再揉眼時，怎麼四個女兒都已依次長大，昔日的童話之 門砰地一關，再也回不去了。四個女兒，依次是珊珊、幼珊、佩珊、季珊。簡直可以排成一條珊瑚礁。珊珊十二歲的那年， 有一次，未滿九歲的佩珊忽然對來訪的客人說：「喂，告訴你，我姐姐是一個少女了！」在座的大人全笑了起來。

曾幾何時，惹笑的佩珊自己，甚至最幼稚的季珊，也都在時光 的魔杖下，點化成「少女」了。冥冥之中，有四個「少男」正偷偷襲來，雖然躡手躡足，屏聲止息，我卻感到背後有四雙眼睛，像所有的壞男孩那樣，目光灼灼，心 存不軌，只等時機一到，便會站到亮處，裝出偽善的笑容，叫我岳父。

我當然不會應他。哪有這麼容易的事！我像一棵果樹，天長地久在這裏立了多年，風霜雨露，樣樣有份，換來果實累累，不勝負荷。而你，偶爾過路的小子，竟然一伸手就來摘果子，活該蟠地的樹根絆你一交！

而最可惱的，卻是樹上的果子，竟有自動落入行人手中的樣子。樹怪行人不該擅自來摘果子，行人卻說是果子剛好掉下來，給他接著罷了。這種事，總是裏應外合才成功的。當初我自己結婚，不也是有一位少女開門揖盜嗎？「堡壘最容易從內部攻破」，說得真是不錯。

不過彼一時也，此一時也。同一個人，過街時討厭汽車，開車時卻討厭行人。現在是輪到我來開車。
好多年來，我已經習於和五個女人為伍，浴室裏彌漫著香皂和香水氣味，沙發上散置皮包和發卷，餐桌上沒 有人和我爭酒，都是天經地義的事。戲稱吾廬為「女生宿舍」，也已經很久了。做了「女生宿舍」的舍監，自然不歡迎陌生的男客，尤其是別有用心的一類。但自己 轄下的女生，尤其是前面的三位，已有「不穩」的現象，卻令我想起葉慈的一句詩：

一切已崩潰，失去重心。

我的四個假想敵，不論是高是矮，是胖是瘦，是學醫還是學文，遲早會從我疑懼的迷霧裏顯出原形，一一走 上前來，或迂回曲折，囁嚅其詞，或開門見山，大言不慚，總之要把他的情人，也就是我的女兒，對不起，從此領去。無形的敵人最可怕，何況我在亮處，他在暗 裏，又有我家的「內奸」接應，真是防不勝防。只怪當初沒有把四個女兒及時冷藏，使時間不能拐騙，社會也無由污染。現在 她們都已大了，回不了頭。我那四個假想敵，那四個鬼鬼祟祟的地下工作者，也都已羽毛豐滿，什麼力量都阻止不了他們了。先下手為強，這件事，該乘那四個假想 敵還在襁褓的時候，就予以解決的。至少美國詩人納許（Ogden Nash，1902-1971）勸我們如此。

他在一首妙詩《由女嬰之父來唱的歌》（Song to Be sung by the Father of Infant Female Children）之中，說他生了女兒吉兒之後，惴惴不安，感到不知什麼地方正有個男嬰也在長大，現在雖然還渾渾噩噩，口吐白沫，卻注定將來會搶走他的吉 兒。于是做父親的每次在公園裏看見嬰兒車中的男嬰，都不由神色一變，暗暗想：「會不會是這家夥？」

想著想著，他「殺機陡萌」，便要解開那男嬰身上的別針，朝他的爽身粉裏撒胡椒粉，把鹽撒進他的奶瓶，把沙撒進他的菠菜汁，再扔頭優遊的鱷魚到他的嬰兒車裏陪他遊戲，逼他在水深火熱之中掙扎而去，去娶別人的女兒。足見詩人以未來的女婿為假想敵，早已有了前例。

不過一切都太遲了。當初沒有當機立斷，採取非常措施，像納許詩中所說的那樣，真是一大失策。如今的局 面，套一句史書上常見的話，已經是「寇入深矣！」女兒的墻上和書桌的玻璃墊下，以前的海報和剪報之類，還是披頭，拜絲，大衛·凱西弟的形象，現在紛紛都換 上男友了。至少，灘頭陣地已經被入侵的軍隊佔領了去，這一仗是必敗的了。記得我們小時，這一類的照片仍被列為機密要 件，不是藏在枕頭套裏，貼著夢境，便是夾在書堆深處，偶爾翻出來神往一番，哪有這麼二十四小時眼前供奉的？

這一批形跡可疑的假想敵，究竟是哪年哪月開始入侵廈門街余 宅的，已經不可考了。只記得六年前遷港之後，攻城的軍事便換了一批口操粵語少年來接手。至于交戰的細節，就得問名義上是守城的那幾個女將，我這位“昏君” 是再也搞不清的了。只知道敵方的炮火，起先是瞄準我家的信箱，那些歪歪斜斜的筆跡，久了也能猜個七分；繼而是集中在我家的電話，「落彈點」就在我書桌的背 後，我的文苑就是他們的沙場，一夜之間，總有十幾次腦震蕩。那些粵音平上去入，有九聲之多，也令我難以研判敵情。現在我帶幼珊回了廈門街，那頭的廣東部隊 輪到我太太去抵擋，我在這頭，只要留意臺灣健兒，任務就輕松多了。

信箱被襲，只如戰爭的默片，還不打緊。其實我寧可多情的少年勤寫情書，那樣至少可以練習作文，不致在 視聽教育的時代荒廢了中文。可怕的還是電話中彈，那一串串警告的鈴聲，把戰場從門外的信箱擴至書房的腹地，默片變成了身歷聲，假想敵在實彈 射擊了。更可怕的，卻是假想敵真的闖進了城來，成了有血有肉的真敵人，不再是假想了好玩的了，就像軍事演習到中途，忽然真的打起來了一樣。真敵人是看得出 來的。在某一女兒的接應之下，他佔領了沙發的一角，從此兩人呢喃細語。囁嚅密談，即使脈脈相對的時候，那氣氛也濃得化不開，窒得全家人都透不過氣來。這時 幾個姐妹早已回避得遠遠的了，任誰都看得出情況有異。萬一敵人留下來吃飯，那空氣就更為緊張，好像擺好姿勢，面對照相機一般。平時鴨塘一般的餐桌，四姐妹 這時像在演啞劇，連筷子和調羹都似乎得到了消息，忽然小心翼翼起來。明知這僭越的小子未必就是真命女婿，（誰曉得寶貝女兒現在是十八變中的第幾變呢？）心 裏卻不由自主升起一股淡淡的敵意。也明知女兒正如將熟之瓜，終有一天會蒂落而去，卻希望不是隨眼前這自負的小子。

當然，四個女兒也自有不乖的時候，在惱怒的心情下，我就恨不得四個假想敵趕快出現，把她們統統帶走。 但是那一天真要來到時，我一定又會懊悔不已。我能夠想象，人生的兩大寂寞，一是退休之日，一是最小的孩子終於也結婚之後。宋淇有一天對我 說：「真羨慕你的女兒全在身邊！」真的嗎？至少目前我並不覺得，自己有什麼可羨之處。也許真要等到最小的季珊也跟著假想敵度蜜月去了，才會和我存並坐在空 空的長沙發上，翻閱她們小時相簿，追憶從前，六人一車長途壯遊的盛況，或是晚餐桌上，熱氣蒸騰，大家共享的燦爛燈光。人生有許多事情，正如船後的波紋，總 要過後才覺得美的。這麼一想，又希望那四個假想敵，那四個生手笨腳的小夥子，還是多吃幾口閉門羹，慢一點出現吧。

袁枚寫詩，把生女兒說成「情疑中副車」，這書袋掉得很有意思，卻也流露了重男輕女的封建意識。照袁枚 的說法，我是連中了四次副車，命中率夠高的了。余宅的四個小女孩現在變成了四個小婦人，在假想敵環伺之下，若問我擇婿有何條件，一時倒恐怕答不上來。沉吟 半晌，我也許會說：「這件事情，上有月下老人的婚姻譜，誰也不能竄改，包括韋固，下有兩個海誓山盟的情人，『二人同心，其利斷金』，我憑什麼要逆天拂人， 梗在中間？何況終身大事，神秘莫測，事先無法推理，事後不能悔棋，就算交給２１世紀的電腦，恐怕也算不出什麼或然率來。倒不如故示慷慨，偽作輕鬆，博一個 開明父親的美名，到時候帶顆私章，去做主婚人就是了。」

問的人笑了起來，指著我說：「什麼叫做『偽作輕鬆』？可見你心裏並不輕鬆。」

我當然不很輕鬆，否則就不是她們的父親了。例如人種的問題，就很令人煩惱。萬一女兒發癡，愛上一個聳肩攤手口香糖嚼個不停的小怪人，該怎麼辦呢？在 理性上，我願意「有婿無類」，做一個大大方方的世界公民。但是在感情上，還沒有大方到讓一個臂毛如猿的小夥子把我的女兒抱過門檻。

現在當然不再「嚴夷夏之防」的時代，但是一任單純的家庭擴充成一個小型的聯合國，也大可不必。問的人又笑了，問我可曾聽說混血兒的聰明超乎常人。我 說：「聽過，但是我不希罕抱一個天才的『混血孫』。我不要一個天才兒童叫我Grandpa，我要他叫我外公。」問的人不肯罷休：「那麼省籍呢？」

「省籍無所謂，」我說。「我就是蘇閩聯姻的結果，還不壞吧？當初我母親從福建寫信回武進，說當地有人向她求婚。娘家大驚小怪，說那麼遠！怎麼就嫁給 南蠻！後來娘家發現，除了言語不通之外，這位閩南姑爺並無 可疑之處。這幾年，廣東男孩鍥而不舍，對我家的壓力很大，有一天閩粵結成了秦晉，我也不會感到意外。如果有個臺灣少年特別巴結我，其志又不在跟我談文論 詩，我也不會怎麼為難他的。至於其他各省，從黑龍江直到雲南，口操各種方言的少年，只要我女兒不嫌他，我自然也歡迎。」

「那麼學識呢？」

「學什麼都可以。也不一定要是學者，學者往往不是好女婿，更不是好丈夫。只有一點：中文必須精通。中文不通，將禍延吾孫！」

客又笑了。「相貌重不重要？」他再問。

「你真是迂闊之至！」這次輪到我發笑了。「這種事，我女兒自己會注意，怎麼會要我來操心？」

笨客還想問下去，忽然門鈴響起。我起身去開大門，發現長髮亂處，又一個假想敵來掠余宅。

竹脇無我

如果你七十年代係香港長大，就很可能為竹脇無我著迷過，二人世界、姿三四郎，當時都是我追看的戲集。如果你也在同一個年代長大，看看這短片，懷念一番吧！

Good and Evil

Do you see 'Good' or 'Evil'?
It is difficult sometimes to tell good from evil, isn't it?
Evil has a way of disguising itself as good.

God's Pharmacy

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born.
The following food are best & more powerful when eaten raw. (Don't think I can handle raw onions or garlic, though.)
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!


A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three dozens neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

When there is not enough

As you might know we are homeschooling Kioni, and we use the literature based curriculum - Sonlight.
We started Kioni's first grade (using Sonlight Core 1 curriculum) last September, she will have two more weeks, and then she is done.
Two months ago, we were planning her homeschooling, using Core 2 curriculum and advanced readers. I was considering how in the world would we be able to buy the curriculum and all the books that come with it. I know we can go to the library for the books, but so many of them are not available in a Scottish library, plus it is always a hit and miss.
I was praying and asking God as to how we will be able to pay for the books.
Then comes tax time.
We found out we got some money back for Kioni's education, plus since we don't have sufficient income, the tax return is enough for buying Kioni's books for next year's homeschooling! We even have a little left for Dan to buy the much needed books for him to do research for his PhD! (Ahhmmmm... no, they don't have the books that Dan needs in the University of Aberdeen library to do his research, the Divinity Department receives the least funding out of all the departments.)

God is good. When we thought we didn't have enough, He's there to save the day.
The homeschool materials arrived yesterday, and Kioni is enjoying the Magic Flute (music, opera singing and story telling) this morning. She has been sitting still (which I didn't think she is capable of) of over an hour listening to it!
God is good.

Chill out, I got it!

I was chatting with my friend from seminary for the first time on Facebook, she asked me how we were doing in Aberdeen. Since we have been friends for 16 years, I did not hesitate to tell her that financially, we are tighter than ever. We need student loan to pay for Dan's tuition, the support of faithful churches and individuals to our ministry does help to pay the monthly rent, however, everyday expenses is still an uncertainty. It depends on the exchange rate, sometimes we have enough, sometimes we don't.

About a month or so after I shared it with my friend, she wrote to me saying that she is going to talk to a few people at her church to see if they would like to support us. I was quite surprised at her initiation, and extremely thankful, however, I was highly skeptical, wondering who in the world would support someone whom they have never heard of!

In fact, Dan and I were wondering if we should continue with this ministry, we would love to continue, because if only just one person is saved, it is all worth it. But if the funding is not sufficient, we just don't know how we can continue.

About a month after that email, she wrote to me again, telling me she has talked to three people and asked me to pray while they were making their decisions.

Not long after that, she told me one of the three potential supporters emailed her a list of questions, so I answered them all. My friend said when he decides that he is going to support us, he will write to me directly. A few days later, I got his email, he is going to support us! Not only that, he has made a 3 year committment, (depending on yearly review).

Now the interesting thing is, just days earlier, Dan and I were figuring out how we are going to pay for the ReachGlobal European Conference, which all missionaries in Europe have to attend.

Our account with ReachGlobal has two categories, one is our monthly salary, the second is ministry expense. The expenses of the conference can be taken out from the ministry expense, however, it can only be reimbursed when our overall account has over 4,000 USD in it.

The end of last year, our support level was low, and we had to stop our monthly salary for two months in order not to dip further down into the red. Since then, God has provided through various faithful supporters, and we are able to be paid monthly again. However, for another two months more, we cannot reimburse our ministry expenses, because we didn't have more than 4,000 USD in our account. What that means is that whatever ministry expenses we accumulate, we have to pay for them out of our salary. We are thankful that we do have enough to cover our ministry expense now, but paying for the whole trip for three people? That would put us right back into the hole!

However, ReachGlobal requires that we let them know our travel details before April 15th. Which means we have to book our plane tickets, train tickets, book hotel rooms, etc, with no time to figure out where the money will come from. Dan and I spent days online trying to get the cheapest plane tickets, we booked hostels, etc, but still wondering if, for the first time in my life, I will have to owe the credit card company money!

I was worried, my heart unsettled.

Little did I know, at the time when all those worries were overwhelming me, God has already prepared this supporter from afar, someone whom I have never met, never talked to, not even one direct email exchange, since we have been communicated once only, through my friend.

I didn't tell Dan about my friend's proposal because Dan tends to get quite stressed out when it is related to support. When I told him yesterday, he just laughed and said, "You have to thank Ella and tell her now we have money for groceries."

Then Dan started to wonder if our newest supporter knows "everything" about our ministry. I told him I think he knows as much as Ella knows, and as much as our newsletter has talked about. Then Dan said, "I wonder why he would support us without knowing EVERYTHING." (If you know Dan, you know how thorough a person he is.) I then answer him, "I think because God wants us to know it is not our efforts, our talks, our persuation that caused our supporters to support us, it is Him, and Him alone."

Not only God has provided financially, through Ella and this supporter, He is telling us that this ministry is to be continued. Keep on going even though the response might be slow. This is the biggest confirmation for me that we are to charge ahead, no matter what the outcome is.

When I thanked my friend Ella for what she has done, for her taking the initiation, for her not to say, "Go in peace, my sister," for her to follow up with actions. She wrote back and said, "Money is of so little significance in the God's kingdom."

I am surprised at how much worries I have gone through, while all these years, God has not failed, not even once, in taking care of us in every way. This has proven again that I am a person of little faith, but God doesn't condemn me for that, rather, He opens His arm and embraced me and tell me,

"Chill out, I got it!"
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