 |
"Quiet"
The Hong Kong History Museum |
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who
loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a
dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and
maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then
needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts
or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying
to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is
okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to
draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have
an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly.
Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and
requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain
scans, that introverts process information differently from other people
(I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this
important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be
common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved
groups in America, possibly the world.
I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I
am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long
conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests.
But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and
colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number
of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you
what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively
to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues.
Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an
introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to
learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes
back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay
of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or
frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally
are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go
along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast."
Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
 |
"Step Aside"
The Hong Kong History Museum |
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone.
They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression.
Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell
phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we
introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two
hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It
isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For
introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping,
as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small
doses."
How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive
research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The
answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a
minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted
population."
Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is
our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an
introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa
Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous
paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because
extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in
voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They
are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both
ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume
that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot
imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take
umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the
matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really
understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and
yipping.
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one
thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which
only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look
at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other
people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in
politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the
point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled
aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted
streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts,
when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered
"naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we
introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more
peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you
know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear
if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have
said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it."
The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself
is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also
dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our
extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore
desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are
seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a
compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner,"
"reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous
words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of
personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In
certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes
get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type;
introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than
men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common
misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more
reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more
sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small
talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to
think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by
talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours.
"Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an
online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that
up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue
extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead
roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they
put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their
98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to
listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette
books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as
rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that
someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an
Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not
be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I
like you. But now please shush."
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice?
First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
至今仍是兵家，商家常讀的《孫子兵法》在春秋時代（公元前515至512年間）成書，孫子在《謀攻篇》中謂：「知己知彼，百戰不殆；不知彼而知己，一勝一負；不知彼，不知己，每戰必殆。」你認為中國共產黨是「進步、無私與團結的執政集團」嗎？若是，為何？若非，又為何？你認識1949年前的共產黨嗎？認識現在的共產黨嗎？兩者有分別嗎？若有分別，分別為何？
